(i.e., for those who share the same living and sleeping area)
Don't Touch. Personal belongings of others are not to be touched or moved without permission. This especially includes wallets, purses, and car keys. By the way, "permission" means you must ask each time. Permanent permission is obtained by waiting for your roommate to offer it.
Ask before borrowing things.
Synchronized Sleeping: It's not a sport! It's a good idea, since roommates who don't wake each other up report fewer disagreements. If your habit is to go to bed at midnight, look for a roommate who doesn't stay up till 4 AM.
Resist the Urge to Take Shortcuts. Just because you used to do something while living at home with your family, don't assume your roommate and his/her visitors will approve. Low on the list of favorite behaviors are:
Parading around in your underwear,
using the toilet while the bathroom door is open,
assuming your new roommate will be an inseparable companion like your sister or brother was,
barging through a closed door into someone else's room or residence without knocking and waiting to be invited in....{You're reading "Living with Neighbors, Roommates, and Housemates" by J. E. Brown.}
-- these will each get you excluded. Don't freak your roommates out. Your best behavior is called for. Don't even ask for special treatment, as in "Can I wear all your clothing without asking? That's how we did it at home. It's okay with you, right?" Wrong. When you put a friend in the position of having or wanting to say no or having to explain basic rules, you create stress.
All roommates are housemates, so please read on....
http://jebrown.us/Relationshop
Advice for Housemates
(i.e., those who share a bathroom and kitchen)
Health & Safety.
Items which may carry blood-borne germs -- razors, toothbrushes, tweezers -- which belong to your housemates are never to be borrowed, even with permission; and if accidentally contaminated, e.g. by dropping on the floor or in the sink or tub (anywhere with more germs), be a pal: take responsibility for sterilizing them. This requires immersion in bleach, alcohol, or boiling water. You never know who has an exotic virus. Be selfish -- don't share germs with anyone. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Neighbors.html .}
Companion Animals.
Surprise Pets: Never come home with an unexpected animal and announce, "We have a new family member! Isn't it cute?" The "cutest" animals chew on furniture and the personal belongings of others. The "friendliest" pets might trigger someone's asthma. The "softest" ones cause more hard house-cleaning for everyone. And so, new pets must be agreed on in advance.
A Word About Sharing.
Food: To share or not to share? As always, no one should be forced to share, but if everyone is agreeable to sharing groceries, go for it.
Non-Consumable Items: Items in the common areas are generally to be shared. Fragile items are only to be looked at, but the TV, VCR, stereo, etc. are for shared use. Anything you own but don't want to share belongs in your room -- or notify your housemate, and notify him/her early, so you don't seem to be one of those fickle folks who are always making fresh changes.{You're reading "Living with Neighbors, Roommates, and Housemates" by J. E. Brown.}
House Plants: Your housemate's plants are not trash cans. Nor are they ash trays. Gosh, some plants are so hypersensitive, I wouldn't even put water on them without asking....
Do Things the Right Way.
We've all had housemates who expected us to cater to their individual whims and preferences, even when those preferences had no basis in health, safety, or savings. In short, housemates who acted more like parents than equals. This filled the household atmosphere with strained voices and stressed nerves.
Toilet Paper: What's the Right Way to Hang It? The "right" way is to not quibble over trivia. Leave it the way your housemate put it. Grin and bear it -- think of this as an occasion to grow, an opportunity to broaden your mind.
The Toilet Seat: Up or Down? The "right" way is to move it wherever you need it, whenever you need to, without a lot of infantile complaining. Civilized people do not expect their equals to do their bidding -- they pitch in. Those displeased with the position of the toilet seat should therefore work on developing their arm muscles rather than their speaking muscles. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Neighbors.html .}
The "right" way is to refrain from giving your housemates orders.
Dividing the Chores:
Don't alternate. That is, don't say, "I'll do it tonight, you do it the next night," and so on -- this system requires much attention to the calendar, and ultimately leads to anger when someone misses or skips a turn.
Don't share chores at all. For example, don't plan to share dishwashing duty in any way. If your housemate is more fastidious than you, he/she may make a habit of racing to wash the dishes before you can get to them -- and then lord it over you that you "never" do your share of the work.
Just split the chores. One of you take dusting, one of you take dishwashing, one of you take cleaning of the bathroom, and so on. When scheduling, aim for considerateness, independence (so no job requires two people to be present), and equal work.
And remember: The first draft of the schedule may not work for everyone, so be ready to adjust it. Also, there are some people who just won't do their part. Ask such people to pay more rent. Work is worth money, after all.
Dishwashing:
In washing by hand, the following transgressions are all too common:
Failure to wash the backs of plates
Failure to let the dishes soak in hot water for at least half an hour. This in turn leads to....
Leaving visible specks and smears of food on dishes and utensils (yes, some people actually do try to get away with this){You're reading "Living with Neighbors, Roommates, and Housemates" by J. E. Brown.}
General Superstitious Dishwashing: We've all had housemates who thought soap was magical, and that soap alone could make scrubbing, soaking time, and hot water unnecessary. I even had one housemate who asked if he had to rinse the dirty soapy-tasting bacteria-infested dishwater off of plates after washing!
Blabber Control Problems:
About housemates who make those "remarks" and "observations" (about you): One day you'll have a housemate who acts like you owe him or her explanations for how you spend your time and for the placement of and how you arrange your personal belongings. For example, he or she will remark, "I don't see why you put that there." At first it will seem as though he or she is merely curious, but after several questions, a pattern will emerge: his or her questions are systematically aimed at your most embarrassing belongings, habits, and activities. For example, if you have an inexpensive, old or beaten-up piece of furniture, of which you're not really proud, he or she will embarrass you by calling it to your attention, and not by making a compliment.
At other times, your housemate will make an "observation" that is understood to be more than an observation. Or he or she will ask a question that is understood not to come from curiosity, but from a need to regulate others; it's their way of dropping the hint that your actions are bizarre in their eyes, and that your belongings and tastes and habits are not up to their standards. If you ever wanted a housemate who would make you feel monitored, graded, or judged, then these are the ones to move in with.
For example, they'll put you on the spot by saying: {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Neighbors.html .}
"I've noticed you have a lot of your ... junk ... on the kitchen table" (followed by the pause and the stare that imply they're expecting an answer). Of course, they'd be right to complain if you were occupying the kitchen table during mealtime. But these housemates will make such remarks even when they're not planning to use the kitchen table.
"Are you eating again?"
"Oh, you're still here."
"Why is this here?"
"Why do you do that?"
"Does that work?" (Translation: "That object of yours reminds me of junk. Is it?")
"You're always changing the channel on that television."
"What are you doing there?"
They begin to sound more like inquisitive four-year-olds than adults and equals. At other times they sound more like those parents who give coded commands in the form of questions and observations, as in "The trash can is looking awfully full (pause, stare)."
Such housemates have forgotten the rule that unless person A has wronged person B, it's rude of person B to embarrass person A or to make person A feel self-conscious. And even then, it's rude of person B to nitpick anything about A except what A did that was wrongful to B.
To deal with these judgmental housemates, you should have these stock responses memorized and ready:
Uh, we need to talk. (followed by one of:)
My belongings are not in your way, nor are they endangering your health or safety, and therefore, I'm not accountable to you for how I arrange them.
I don't refer to your belongings as "junk/clutter/trash/noise/etc."
The quality of my belongings is none of your concern.
Unless you and I have an appointment, I am not accountable to you for how I spend my time.
And that's bad because...? OR And that hurts you how?
It's not your place to comment on that. {You're reading "Living with Neighbors, Roommates, and Housemates" by J. E. Brown.}
Polite houseguests do not criticize the furniture.
My personal habits are not for you to laugh at.
It's really not polite to act so surprised.
My personal choices do not require a play-by-play analysis.
Sometimes, "respect for the ways of others" means knowing when to keep quiet.
Here, you need to read this article.
(smile weakly and ask) Understood? Fine.
Remember: Like all corrections, these sayings are not for everyday use. If you are already using them every day, not as corrections but as preemptive warnings to the innocent -- that would be rude. On the other hand, if you have to use them every day because you've got a bad housemate, then you have my blessings and my sympathy, and you should know by the way that there are better housemates out there, just waiting for you to post an ad. ;^)
When corrected, some housemates will make the excuse that they didn't "intend" any offense. They'll say they didn't intend this, and they didn't intend that, and they intended only the best. But listen closely and you won't hear them saying they intend to stop being rude ;^) . Don't let people like them fool you. Real friends care about what's important to you. Even an "unintended" cut needs a bandage and time to heal and an attitude-free apology.
For more tips on correcting rude people, visit this page.
Note: These guidelines are not to be printed and posted on walls or bulletin boards, such as in hallways, laundry rooms or rental offices. When you manage with signs, you make a place unwelcoming. Relationshop frowns on that.
Advice for Next-Door Neighbors in Dormitories, Apartments, Duplexes, etc.
(i.e., those separated by a wall or floor/ceiling)
Dogs. New tenants: Never leave your dog alone in a new apartment -- the dog will freak out and bark constantly until you return. This is not a good way to meet your neighbors.
Slamming Doors: If you share a kitchen wall with your neighbor: Never slam (or let slam) the cabinet doors on the common wall. No matter how soundproof your walls are, this is one sound that will go right through. Tip: If your cabinet doors tend to slam shut, install small pads of foam rubber -- these will catch the doors and muffle the sound. Also put a pad behind your microwave oven, if that is in contact with the wall. Also: Never slam (or let slam) your front door, as it shakes the whole building.
Noise: If anyone lives in the unit below you, limit your louder appliances (washer, dryer, dishwasher, vacuum cleaner) to the hours from 8 AM to 10 PM. And if anyone lives next door, limit your party music to the same hours.
Noisy Appliances Inappropriate for the Shared Wall: telephone, dishwasher, anything with a motor. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Neighbors.html .}
Telephones: Is the ringer set to its lowest loudness? Can your answering machine volume be any lower and still be useful? When you go on vacation, do you turn the volume all the way down? Alarm clocks too?
Sneezing: Someday you'll have a neighbor who "voices" his sneezes. That is, whenever he sneezes, he simultaneously barks "Argh!" as if to scare the evil spirits away. It's as disruptive as having a barking dog next door, and startling, too. Don't be like him. Relax those vocal cords.
Talking, however, is perfectly normal and necessary. Talking, laughing, entertaining friends. Any neighbor who complains about those needs to get a life. Tell them I said so.
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How Rude! -- an educational manners booklet. How to recognize rude people before moving in with them.
Letters of Correction: Was a housemate or roommate rude or abusive to you? Need to correct him or her in a letter? Sometimes it has to be done. (guidelines and tips)
It's a good idea, since roommates who don't wake each other up report fewer disagreements. If your habit is to go to bed at midnight, look for a roommate who doesn't stay up till 4 AM.
