Secret Turnoffs -- What turns you off?

(answers to Survey 3)


Response: #1
Received: Dec 20, 1997 10:02 ET

What about other people turns you off?

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #2
Received: Dec 20, 1997 23:16 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you use my name:


Response: #3
Received: Jan 29, 1998 11:20 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #4
Received: Mar 27, 1998 02:10 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #5
Received: May 7, 1998 21:26 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note:
Please don't anybody read that and stop having dinner parties!
Dinner parties are a great way to meet new people.

I have to agree with you about being snagged. It was unkind of your hostess to
change the rules on you after you accepted the invitation. The correct word for
this kind of gathering is "potluck." There's probably a word for what your hostess did,
too....
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #6
Received: May 13, 1998 12:13 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?


Response: #7
Received: May 30, 1998 17:10

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Me too. -- editor


Response: #8
Received: Jul 10, 1998 17:40 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #9
Received: Sep 4, 1998 13:27 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note: You've read my mind!
Click here to see the new survey on fast relationships.
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #10
Received: Sep 20, 1998 13:51 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #11
Received: Dec 29, 1998 11:22 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:



Response: #12
Received: Jan 25, 1999 20:55 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note: I can answer that for you....

Actually, this reminds me of a survey I'd like to do, called
"I Once Dumped Someone for Making a Single Mistake"!
-- jeb


Response: #13
Received: Feb 10, 1999 20:39 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note: Another term for "pickup lines" is "coded messages."
Why should anyone have to learn what all the coded messages mean?
That would defeat the purpose. The reason why pickup lines exist
is that we're afraid to say anything more obvious.
And when a pickup line becomes well-known enough to *be* obvious,
we stop using it, because it no longer has that tinge of ambiguity
that makes it safe to hide behind. So if everyone learned the
pickup lines, we'd just invent new ones.
   But I partly agree with you -- some messages have
standard, timeless meanings and should always get noticed. For example,
anyone who buys you a drink, or asks to spend time with you,
or makes you dinner, is interested in being more than
just an acquaintance -- may be interested in love, maybe in friendship.
One should never dismiss these overtures by saying "It doesn't mean anything;
he/she is just a kind, generous person, and treats everyone that way."

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note: One scientific study that found that strangers
often mistake shyness for hostility. You may find that a smile will
fix that. Also: Make a resolution that anytime you lock eyes with
someone you'd like to know better (or someone you'd like not to put off),
you'll say hello. Or at least nod to them; you can
work up to "hello" later.
-- jeb



Response: #14
Received: Feb 11, 1999 18:30 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #15
Received: Feb 11, 1999 20:31 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #16
Received: Mar 8, 1999 04:20 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #17
Received: Mar 9, 1999 16:32 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #18
Received: Mar 21, 1999 02:23 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #19
Received: Mar 23, 1999 20:36 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note: For those who don't know, "cyber" means "cyber sex." -- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #20
Received: Mar 24, 1999 18:59 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #21
Received: Mar 29, 1999 14:34 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #22
Received: Apr 19, 1999 19:04 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #23
Received: Apr 22, 1999 13:17 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #24
Received: May 16, 1999 00:16 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #25
Received: Jun 2, 1999 01:21 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?


Response: #26
Received: Jun 10, 1999 12:25 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?



Response: #27
Received: Jun 14, 1999 16:34 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #28
Received: Jun 27, 1999 00:02 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #29
Received: Jul 1, 1999 01:58 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #30
Received: Jul 23, 1999 11:19 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #31
Received: Jul 28, 1999 15:19 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #32
Received: Jul 28, 1999 16:21 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's Note: Two Points:

  1. Preaching (also known as "nagging") is bad for relationships.
  2. "not a vital part of life"? Neither are pizza and bowling, but that's not reason enough to give them up. Remember, to be convincing, you must be logical. To be respected, you must give up fallacies. Otherwise you come across as merely trying to inflict your personal preferences upon others.
    --jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #33
Received: Aug 27, 1999 14:21 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:

Editor's note: I wrote back and asked, 

you wrote

   > People who are so selfish that they think their actions/behavior 
   > do not affect other members of their family or friends. 
   > 
   > People who have to know constantly where you are, but 
   > will not tell you where they are.

"What if any direct quotes come to mind when you think about these people?"

The respondent replied



Response: #34
Received: Sep 13, 1999 20:27 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #35
Received: Sep 30, 1999 23:12 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #36
Received: Oct 1, 1999 20:23 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #37
Received: Oct 7, 1999 16:14 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note: I wrote back and asked, 

you wrote

   > And people who think ignorance of the job they hold is acceptable.
 
Examples? 

The respondent replied

I wrote back:

You have a point. Ignorance of the job *is* bad for business. And it deserves to be. 

I think I know how you feel -- recently I needed a virus checker for my computer. 
The mfr of my present virus checker has been ignoring my e-mail, 
so I decided to take my business elsewhere. 
I chose another company whose product looked promising. 
But it took 3 days to get through to their sales rep (who was never in her office, 
and never left a message when calling me back). 
When I finally got to talk to her, I asked, 
"Does your product run on Macintosh?" 

Simple question, right? I mean SIMPLE. 

She had to put me on hold for 60 seconds while she asked someone else. 

Of course I didn't buy their product. If their *sales* team is that ignorant, 
imagine what their support department must be like! 

	--J. E. Brown 
	Relationshop 


Response: #38
Received: Oct 28, 1999 16:47 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #39
Received: Oct 31, 1999 18:05 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note: When someone lies to you in order to cover their own butt at your expense, it is not "little."
It's disloyalty. They're putting themselves first and you a distant second. They're putting you on a lower level. Friends don't do that.
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #40
Received: Nov 1, 1999 20:08 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #41
Received: Nov 11, 1999 17:14 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note: Thank you -- I've been waiting for someone other than me to say it. :^) -- jeb


Response: #42
Received: Nov 16, 1999 02:35 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #43
Received: Nov 20, 1999 11:59 ET

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #44
Received: Dec 6, 1999 22:43 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #45
Received: Dec 20, 1999 15:11 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?



Response: #46
Received: Jan 5, 2000 21:09 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #47
Received: Jan 10, 2000 22:07 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #48
Received: Jan 19, 2000 01:49 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?


Response: #49
Received: Jan 19, 2000 12:11 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #50
Received: Jan 27, 2000 18:32 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #51
Received: Feb 10, 2000 19:32 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note:
Gross!
There seems to be a subspecies of humans who believe that after they get to know someone well, they can let it all hang out: bodily functions; tactless and insulting opinions; a controlling, domineering side....
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #52
Received: Feb 17, 2000 14:54 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #53
Received: Feb 22, 2000 15:16 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?


Response: #54
Received: Mar 7, 2000 21:59 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note:
As a matter of fact, yes, referring to your own looks as "beautiful" does sound big-headed.
But on the other hand, your overall point is right on: When a person shines, the glare is too much for some. As Emerson said, envy is "the tax which all distinction must pay."

As this web page is dedicated to discovering what causes distance in relationships, it would be interesting to know how people work around this. If any of you readers know a technique that lets you show your gifts and talents without giving rise to envy, I'd love to hear it and publish it so everyone can benefit -- write me here. One requirement: It must be a technique which you have used or seen used, and which works. Theory (i.e., guessing) is not helpful here.
-- jeb


Response: #55
Received: Mar 29, 2000 09:08 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #56
Received: May 2, 2000 05:11 ET

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?



Response: #57
Received: May 5, 2000 14:25 ET

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note:
I've known many people to whom "truthfulness" was just a code word for "tactlessness,"
just a blanket license to say whatever came into their heads, no matter how hurtful.
-- jeb


Response: #58
Received: Jul 1, 2000 23:10 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note:
Sounds good to me! :^)
-- jeb


Response: #59
Received: Jul 1, 2000 23:16 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note:
Yes. You say, "I'm ... really not comfortable with your question." And you do not answer it.
Calmly standing up for yourself is *always* polite.

If your friend apologizes and backs off, well and good.
If not -- if your friend goes to blame-shifting tactics, and accuses you of being "hypersensitive"
or whatever -- that's called "Etiquette Combat" (Miss Manners coined the term, I believe),
and you are now licensed to respond in kind, with (for example):

"I can't believe you would speak to me so unkindly. I thought you were my friend."
"You're very nosy. You should mind your own business."

Remember, at a certain point in the escalation, you *are* expected to fight back.
However, your goals in fighting are Image and Moderation: You should allow your opponent to
make him/herself look bad by comparison with you; and after the discussion is over,
you should feel that perhaps you didn't say enough. That's Nature's way of telling you
that you *did* say enough. :^)

-- jeb


Response: #60
Received: Jul 1, 2000 23:35 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

It's ok if you give my name:



Response: #61
Received: Dec 5, 2000 00:49 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?


Response: #62
Received: Jan 15, 2001 15:06 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note:
How inconsiderate of other people to have feelings.
-- jeb

Editor's note:
In my experience, most brush-offs are delivered as coded messages
in a code known only to the off-brusher,
who is later heard saying,
"Well I think I made it OBvious I didn't want to see you anymore"
and "I didn't come right out and say it because I didn't want to hurt your feelings".
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note:
Cynical Accusations are rude.
-- jeb

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #63
Received: Jan 3, 2002 13:59 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

It's ok if you give my name:


Response: #64
Received: Mar 25, 2002 14:13 ET

What have people done or said that made you mad, made you lose interest in them, or made you want nothing to do with them?

Editor's note:
Yes, in fact, when your stuff continues to take up space so that the room
can't be rented to someone else, you are occupying that room
and are obligated to pay something.

However, it was rude of your cousin to spring this on you after the two months.
Ethical people don't lick their lips for two months and then say
"Surprise, you owe me money" -- they discuss and agree on the terms of payment in advance.
As lawyers like to say, "Past consideration is no consideration," or, in layman's terms,
you're not legally obligated to pay for services rendered before the terms are discussed
or even brought up. On the other hand, surely you weren't expecting to pay her nothing?
You certainly owe her for storage of your belongings.

Lastly, does your cousin usually rent that room out? I mean, does she make a serious effort
to advertise it and find tenants?
If she does, then no judge is going to sympathize with you on the rent.
If she doesn't, then she's being opportunistic by asking you for rental.
-- jeb

In your opinion (or in your secret worries), what about you turns other people off?

Editor's note:
As you know, there are many people who are tactless
but refer to their own tactlessness as "just being honest."
To such people, "honesty" is a euphemism for
"I believe in criticizing people's emotions, hobbies, and lifestyles."
On the other hand, there is another kind of honesty,
a type of honesty which is both painful but just and necessary,
and that's the kind of honesty used in the defense of people's rights.

Your statement here is vague, or more precisely, the word "honest" is vague.
Whenever you describe yourself as honest, you need to provide exact quotes of your "honesty,"
to make it clear which kind of honesty you practice.
That goes for *everyone* who writes in saying "People find my honesty offensive".
And it goes for all situations in your life, not just here.
Otherwise, when you call yourself honest,
people will associate you with the last person who was (brutally) honest to them ;^)
-- jeb



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