Have you ever said, "I wish I had apologized for that"?
Did you ever hurt someone, embarrass someone, slight someone, or inconvenience someone, only to feel sorry later, and not know what to say?
This survey is an opportunity for you to admit your regrets. By unburdening yourself here, you help other people who might someday be in your shoes; you can help them to know when to apologize, or help them to avoid the need to.
Response: #1 Received: Jul 10, 1998 17:34 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? One time back in junior high school I agreed to be this girl's campaign manager while she ran for vice president. I didn't vote for her, and I told her so. It still irks me ten years later that I could be so mean.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I wish I had at least lied. I really didn't think she would make a good vice president, but what was I supposed to say, "No, I won't be your campaign manager?"
Do you know why you didn't apologize? I tried to apologize, but what on earth is a person supposed to say after something like that?
Does someone owe you an apology? not that I can think of.
Response: #2 Received: Aug 24, 1998 12:13 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I must apologize for saying very, very, very nasty things about my ex-boyfriend's mother. And I mean, I said very nasty, down-right disgusting things about her. I am very sorry.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? This is the best I can do, I fear, as my ex won't speak to me anymore.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? I did, but, I fear it is way too late.
Does someone owe you an apology? OOOOOhhhhh!!! I am owed more apologies than I'll ever receive. I don't know how to stand up to people, so they walk all over me. Or, worse yet, humiliate me. Actually, being dark skinned in white territory was the worst. People (adults and children alike) have always been excessively rude.
Response: #3 Received: Sep 18, 1998 20:40 ET
Does someone owe you an apology? Yes. But it will never come.
Response: #4 Received: Mar 21, 1999 02:21 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I regret not taking ***** (female) seriously.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I'm sorry for not tell you about how I felt.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? Because I don't really talk about feelings and that stuff very often to people.
Does someone owe you an apology? No I don't think so.
It's ok if you give my name:
Response: #5 Received: Jul 2, 1999 16:02 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? cheating, ripping on someone and they heard me
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? ended the relationship before it ended in cheating
Response: #6 Received: Sep 13, 1999 20:20 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? About 10 months after the drowning death of my three year old my mother and I were talking on the phone and both of us (deeply grieving) were sobbing when my loving mother said something that hurt me very deeply and I said "FUCK YOU" to her. She never spoke to me again and ignored my attempts to make amends to her. She died just under two years later and I will always feel the deepest sorrow and regret for my actions and disrepect toward her.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I "wish" it had never happened and that I could have been with her during her illness and death.
Editor's note: It's true, people can be incredibly insensitive (or awkward?) at these times. For a list of other things to avoid saying, see "Saying the Right Thing to the Bereaved," Psychology Today, Dec. 1984, p. 17. --jeb
Does someone owe you an apology?
Response: #7 Received: Oct 23, 1999 00:40 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? Opened my mouth about how irritating someone was not knowing they were right beind me.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I wish I could have actually not said it at all and that they were easier to talk to. Then I would have made an apology where I prostrate myself and beg for forgiveness.
Do you know why you didn't apologize?
Does someone owe you an apology? Of course, but since I am a Catholic I make it a point to forgive whoever has offended me in any way and tell them I do forgive them.
Response: #8 Received: Nov 2, 1999 10:36 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? When I was 34 my sister and her child moved into my house after she lost her job. I instantly regretted it. They were messy and often rude. One night when she was sleeping I snuck into the guest room where she slept and cut off most of her waist-length blonde hair as revenge. she thought it was her five-year-old son who did it and he was punished for it. I've been wracked with guilt ever since and I can't think of a way to bring it up and apologize.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I wish I hadn't done it and I would do anything to make it right. The only thing I can think of to do is to tell her the truth and hope that she eventually forgives me.
Response: #9 Received: Nov 11, 1999 19:59 ET
What do you regret doing or saying?
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I am so sorry for not responding when I knew you were reaching out to us. We were just too wrapped up in our own problems. No it's too late for us to talk to one of you. Because you died a week after you invited us to come hear you speak.
Does someone owe you an apology? Yes. I have some family whom I haven't seen in over ten years. They always made fun of my husband, and were backstabbers. I have forgiven, but the hurt is still there. Now that I have tried to reach out to them, they haven't responded. Come on, we're not getting any younger!!!
Response: #10 Received: Nov 16, 1999 02:29 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? Thursday night I got very drunk and hit my best friend. I was just messing around but she took it seriously and I was hitting her harder than I thought I was.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I told her when I was drunk "ok i'll stop" but I wish I wouldn't of gotten drunk. I did apologize last night when she called me, I apologized about a million times to her. I told her " I'm so sorry, I thought I lost a great friend." By the tone of her voice she still sounded very emotionally hurt, but she told me it was ok.
Does someone owe you an apology? Yes. Jake owes me an apology for being so close to me Thursday night, acting like he missed me so much. And then not calling me the whole weekend to talk about it. Because I told him my feelings for him when I was drunk. I can express my self better when I am that way. I would tell him all over again though. He just doesn't seem to understand how much I care for him. He thought I would regret what happened that night, but I don't, even though I am mad at him right now.
Response: #11 Received: Jan 5, 2000 21:36 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? i regret because i have told someone that it was wrong for them not to be going to church but who am i to judge.never tell anyone what write .i regret telling that person that because i had to apologize to that person.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? i wished i had said would you like to go to church with me.i am sure you will enjoy it for you will feel welcome
Response: #12 Received: Jan 31, 2000 01:13 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? i regret moving out on my wife and kids for the love of another woman that loved me very dearly until i found out she was a victum of a verbal abuser who controled her not to leave her marrage
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? i wish i would have seen the problem comming so that i could apolize to my family for the pain tht i have caused them in moving out and try to deal with my wifes verbal abuse.
Does someone owe you an apology? yes the woman that messed up my life by telling me that she was so in love with me she would do anything to have me including leaving her husband of 20 years of constant verbal abuse and little if no sexual relations. since an apology is of no use now i guess that is neither mute nor acceptable. i think she should apologize but it would be of no use now.
Response: #13 Received: Feb 23, 2000 12:44 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I paged my girlfriend with "I hate you," and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. She said it was over and she will not accept my deepest apologies.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology?
Response: #14 Received: Feb 26, 2000 17:40 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I accidentally killed my roommate's pet dog, Zepplin. I didn't know that chocolate could hurt dogs. I gave Zepplin some chocolate valentines day candy. The next morning, Zepplin was shaking and going into seizures. He died that day. I told my friend that Zepplin had run away, when i had really thrown him in the dumpster outside.
Does someone owe you an apology? John, my old roommate owes me an apology. I want him to be sorry for kicking me out of the apartment. I hope you're happy John!!!
Response: #15 Received: May 2, 2000 04:57 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I have regretted making statements to my ex about his father, although they were true, and the man is a complete racist, abusive, jerk. I still feel bad because he still is his father, and no matter whether or not he treated him like dirt, which is what upset me and I told him so, that it probably hurt his feelings because he tried to be blind to it.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? Just that I am sorry, and I should have been a more selective of how I said things. I truly was just upset, because I genuinely loved this guy and could not stand for someone else to be hurtful towards him or treat him bad, and all he would do is tell everyone how wonderful his dad was, and I should have maybe kept my feelings to myself.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? I didn't apologize, I suppose, because I really meant what I said, and it was in defense of him. So I wasn't really sure whether I was right or wrong in saying what I did. I am still not really sure.
Editor's note: It's probably best that you kept this "apology" to yourself. Saying "I'm sorry but what I said was true" is a slap in the face, not an apology. Finally, it's perfectly natural to feel pangs of guilt after standing up for what's right. I think you did the right thing. :^) I have a friend who was raised abusively. His friends know about his troubled upbringing; he's very glad today that he's not the only one who knows. He's very glad that others noticed. This moral support helps him not to doubt his own judgment. — jeb
Does someone owe you an apology? Too many to talk about. But it doesn't matter. I already forgive them. I can't expect to be forgiven for my wrongs, if I can't forgive others for theirs. I am not perfect, and I have no right to judge another. We "all" make mistakes.
Editor's note: False. When you go around repeating snake-oil truisms like "We all make mistakes," you make all mistakes sound equal. They are not. We do not all commit rape, we do not all commit murder. — jeb
Response: #16 Received: Aug 14, 2000 18:55 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? Working retail I at times feel bad about the way I say or do things. (only when the customer slightly irritates me and ive had a really pressureized day)
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? At the time you cant apologize, they dont listen..it's later on that i approach them and if they are nice and not rude themselves, they will accept..i have made friendships from spats with customers, good ones at that that i am proud of now...proof that customers arent all bad..
Do you know why you didn't apologize? IN retail you cant alot. The customer is a snob or "too big for there britches" or egotistical..and thinks they know everything...so in some cases it is good to say your sorry and eat crow..in others just let it slide off your back and realize you were just doing your job..
Does someone owe you an apology? ALL OF THE RUDE CUSTOMERS THAT COME TO THE CUSTOMERS SERVICE DESK...(well some of them..i work with a lady that was rude to me as a customer..and she came to me and apologized and were friends..this other lady gave me a cake as an apology..so good ones are out there!!!!
Response: #17 Received: Oct 27, 2000 00:08 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? well i regret calling this guy, his sister was my bestfriend and because i never asked for her she felt used
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? i would [have] apologised for not calling her, and i really would [have] stopped talking to him for her cause she's my bestfriend or used to be.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? because i never knew till it was too late she already hated me and she wouldn't talk to me at all.
Does someone owe you an apology? yes, she does she could of [have] told me what was going on and why she was angry instead i found out by friends.
Response: #18 Received: May 13, 2002 03:21 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? I regret deeply sending an email to my dearest friend, and calling her horrid names. I felt so deserted and betrayed. Regardless of how I felt, or what I had in that angry instant hoped to achieve by that, I will never be able to recall those words... they live on in both our hearts and have altered, forever, the path of our friendship.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? This friend is someone who forgives, too much sometimes, and is also very tender hearted. I hit her hard with my words and I was so hurt by the mere knowledge of how deeply I had cut, I could not apologize... no words would touch her there. The wound was too deep. I judged an apology would be akin to trying to stop a knife wound from bleeding by putting a bandaid on it.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? I was afraid. I knew how far I had gone, and also afraid to face my obvious issues with anger and bitterness. I was afraid of rejection. My desent into nothingness without her as my friend was an easier thing to take.
Does someone owe you an apology? If someone owes me an apology and have not offered it, then it is probably one I either do not deserve, or do not want.
Response: #19 Received: Jun 27, 2002 15:00 ET
What do you regret doing or saying? When I was growing up, I was deeply in love with a classmate for many years. I had very good reason to believe that my feelings had always been reciprocated, but I was painfully shy (he was fairly shy as well). Finally, when I was 17, I mustered up the courage to at least show him how I felt. I smiled at him and to my astonishment and joy, he immediately smiled back. We still rarely talked, but over the months developed a private language of intense, warm, mysterious glances. It was a tender, incredibly romantic relationship. At the time, unfortunately, I was also being emotional abused not only by a group of guys in my grade, but also by my teachers! (I had complained about their blatant cheating before I realized what hot water whistle-blowing can land one in!) So, while I was being insulted, harassed, and spit upon, I also felt enveloped in his love! He also stood up for me and even physically intervened when I was assalted (talk about romantic!). However, I began to despair of ever being asked out by him. Finally, a supposed friend "kindly and gently" let me know first that she had seen him dating someone else and later that he had laughed about me to his friends behind my back. Suddenly, everything clicked! Instead of questioning my "friend's" motives, or realizing that every seventeen-year boy has some flaws, I somehow "knew" that he really didn't care for me. I went home and cried out on my lawn, under the stars until I had no more tears left in my body. I then did some emotional surgery and attempted to cut him out of my heart. He immediately knew something had changed and for the first time he began to talk about our relationship. For days he quietly begged me to tell him what was wrong and I refused to respond in any way. I could tell he was very, very hurt. Three weeks later, another guy (a friend of his) called me up and at the age of 18, I went on my first date. Believe it or not, the diner where he took me was the scene of a horrendous and bizarre armed robbery. ... [A hostage situation occurred.]... By the time I went back to school on Monday, everyone had heard about what had happened. My first class was honors math, but, needless to say, we didn't do any math that day. As my date and I told our story, I saw the guy I had always loved and was still in love with crying in the corner (and trying to hide his tears). After class, our eyes met for a brief moment, he said my name as though he were caressing it and came towards me. Instantly, I turned around and walked quickly away. He continued calling me, and literally chased me down the hall. When he caught up with me at our lockers, which were, as they always had been, next to each other, I refused to answer him except in banalities. When I think back on it now, many years later, I can still see the pain in his face and in his body. Off and on, for years afterwards, he and/or his mother would try to get the truth out of me. Did I really like him? Or had I been just playing with him? Why had I suddenly turned away? Why hadn't I asked him out? Was I prejudiced against him? (He was Jewish.) And I always refused to respond. Now twenty years later, I deeply regret not being able to come out of my act and not being able apologize for stonewalling him.
What do you wish you had done or said, as an apology? I wish I could have found some way to explain what had happened, to communicate in words how special he was to me and how much I admired him, to acknowledge his pain, and to sincerely apologize for being so utterly self-centered about our embyonic relationship.
Do you know why you didn't apologize? I want so badly to write him and apologize. In fact sometimes, I dream of just being able to sit down to coffee and being able to just talk everything out. I have changed so much since high school. I married a man I deeply love and respect and have begun excelling in my chosen career. Most importantly, I have so much less fear now and feel that I am truly capable of open and honest communication even about such an emotionally-charged issue. After Sep. 11, I looked him up on the Web. We both grew up in New York. I have since left the region, but I though he might be still there and wanted to make sure he was OK. I knew that he had gone to a prestigious law school and found out that he was having a successful career as a "good" lawyer (as his mother used to put it.), was married and had a family. I have decided, however, that writing now, after so many years, might not be productive. It would be cathartic for me, but it might anger or sadden him. I realized that I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his life or whether such a letter would be appropriate. What I have decided to do instead is be all that much more senstive to others in my life — those with whom I do have daily contact.
Does someone owe you an apology? I don't believe in "owing" someone apology. Sometimes, however, no matter how irrational it might be, I wish that he would apologize to me, for not asking me out, for not taking a more active role in the relationship.
Editor's note: Actually I hear a ring of truth in what your friend told you. One flaw of many "seventeen-year boys" (and 37-year-olds too) is that they think they should be able to say *anything* behind someone's back, and that their words somehow magically won't hurt the friendship. People actually think that way! So, don't be *too* quick to doubt your friend or her motives; her report may be accurate. I do hope you'll write your old flame anyway. I think he'll be happy to hear from you. You'll absolutely need to clear the air, though, before any friendship can proceed; to this day he probably has no idea why your heart changed, and if you don't use your one chance to (briefly) explain, he will never ever feel comfortable around you. The only way I know to express it is "I'm so sorry — Esmerelda told me that you said some awful things about me behind my back, and I was too quick to believe her, can you ever forgive me?" This gives him the dual opportunity to either forgive you or to do some apologizing of his own :^) . Best wishes, — jeb
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