Not So Fast! — a survey about fast relationships

(answers to Survey 6)

Have you ever noticed how some relationships heat up too soon?

Maybe this has happened to you: You go out with someone new, and he or she starts talking about love and marriage and having children — on the very first date! In Western cultures, at least, that's a taboo. Or maybe this person wants to jump into bed before you're ready. Sometimes it's just the opposite: you're ready and they're not. These unilateral situations aren't fun for anyone.

And then sometimes it's bilateral — the relationship starts out normally, deepens gradually and mutually, with both partners moving at the same speed, with equal enthusiasm, and then one person abruptly puts on the brakes, and says the other person was moving too fast.

Late one night I overheard two people breaking up. They had been seeing each other for a month. She said she felt trapped. He said this puzzled him, because he had watched her carefully, and had seen only that she was just as eager as him to get more involved. She said he should get some hobbies and stop hanging around her so much. I couldn't tell, just from listening, who if anyone was more at fault: whether she had changed her mind about him and was now shifting the blame onto him, or whether he was just inept at reading the signs and had been blindly charging forward.

(I trust I'm not embarrassing this couple by telling their story here — these breakups happen to millions of couples every day.)

How are couples supposed to know how to behave?
Is there an ideal timetable for lovers to follow?
Can things be rushed if both partners consent, or is that unwise?
And is it really about keeping a pace and staying in step, or is it about
not getting more involved with someone who has particular flaws,
or who suddenly turns you off?
If more people would share their insights and experiences, we might all learn some important guidelines.

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Response: #2
Received: Sep 8, 1998 14:24 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

I tend to be forthright with my feelings and when I expressed them to my partner, he stated that we were going to fast for him and he just wanted to date. I was totally cool with that...and was glad that he was honest with me as I was with him.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

I need to relax my intense feelings. I tend to JUMP in to fast and fall in love right off the bat. I have learned to let things run their course, date a while, share experiences, wait to jump in to bed and be honest.

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Response: #4
Received: Sep 29, 1998 19:25 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

He was worried about a buying me aring... hwne I was about to go away to school, and he wouldn't listen when I told him that he was moving to fast

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

started to notice annoying traits he displayed in public places, and also notice some inappropriate behaviour

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

stopped hanging around him as much, found a reason not to go out, started to reaquaint myself with old friends, stopped holding hands

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

Response: #5
Received: Nov 24, 1998 13:36 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

She didn't want to hang as much as normal. Something else on her mind.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Just recently, about a year after the breakup, she said how i pressured her and that i moved too fast to anybody who would listen.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Try and find a balance between each other, although i thought there truly was.

It's ok if you give my name:

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Response: #6
Received: Nov 28, 1998 19:21 ET ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

None until he said to me as we were entering New Orleans on a spur of the moment trip to Mardi Gras, "I feel as though this is like our honeymoon".

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

We never had a relationship — we're just friends

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

None really, I was just left stranded in New Orleans (He left and returned to Houston without me)

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

Response: #7
Received: Dec 20, 1998 01:23 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

i was never nervous about seeing him...i hated kissing him.... i hated holding hands with him...i felt trapped...like i love him but im not in love with him...i cant leave cause i care about him... buti am still unhappy

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I think we should see other people
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

none...he worships the ground i walk on

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

we shouldnt have moved as fast...yes he did

What happened to the relationship?

We stayed together

Response: #8
Received: Dec 22, 1998 20:46 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

calling to much. acting crazy

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

Tryed to control my actions

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

dont deal with controlling women

Response: #9
Received: Dec 28, 1998 22:28 ET

Editor's note:
This response seems to be not about a relationship that moved too fast, but a relationship that was insulted to death....
--jeb

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

he stopped calling and wasn't around as much.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

youre too fat. you look very ugly with makeup on. you can't play your clarinet very good so you should just give up. you look like a slut. your friends just use you. youre going to turn to drugs because youre not a strong person and your friends do them. your family hates you.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.
I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

dont' try to change someone. don't take any crap from your partner.

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Response: #10
Received: Dec 29, 1998 11:15 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

He introduced me to his niece and nephew as their aunt after 2 months of dating. He asked his brother to drive in from out of state to meet me after 3 weeks.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

[He said:] I did this on purpose. I teased him and led him on. I was cruel, manipulative and played games with him.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I was busy a lot. I suddenly got cold in intimate situations. When he got me gifts for holidays, I bought him nothing. When he said I love you, I just smiled or remained stoic. He never got hte hint until I stated outright that we were breaking up- complete shock.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Be straightforward and don't hint. As soon as you see that the relationship is not right, get out. The longer you wait, the harder it is.

It's ok if you give my name:

Response: #11
Received: Jan 8, 1999 14:50 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

he became increasingly controlling isolated me from friends always checking up on me telling me what to wear

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

that I was a slut that I must have been cheating on him

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I stopped coming home from college on the weekends. I made new and different friends. I just had to come out and tell him that it was over.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

I learned that in future relationships the minute I sense that someone is becoming too controlling...I am OUT OF THERE!

It's ok if you give my name:

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Response: #12
Received: Feb 10, 1999 21:02 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

When I discovered she was psycho II. She just didn't get it. She needed way too much attention...

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
We never had a relationship — we're just friends
This is your fault — you shouldn't have moved so fast
Other:

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

She was unstable....

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

If you see someone is very "attachy" (or any trait you think they may not change that you can't handle) get out A.S.A.P. The sooner the better, unless you really think you care for them and think they can change for you. If they can't deal... you be the dealer, AND FOLD!

Response: #13
Received: Feb 11, 1999 18:21 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

When I started to feel uncomfortable around him and I found my self saying no a lot. Sometimes I would just give in because it was easter to just do it then to say no have him back off then ten min. later have him tryying shit again.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other: I do not feel comfortable with the always being the one having to say can't we just cuddle

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

none

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I actually broke up with him like twice before he actually fuigered it out a few of my friend said that the way I broke up with him was not bold enough and I kept letting him talk his way back and unless I gave him a reason to be mad at me he would never leave.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Never let someone make you feel bad for not having the same feelings for them.

Response: #14
Received: Mar 8, 1999 04:14 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

Spending too much time doting on me...

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I think we should see other people
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

(left blank)

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

I pick people apart, so if they don't fit my criteria, I lose interest... I initially get wrapped up in physical atraction.... then move faster, but realize after the initial attraction has subsided that I don't enjoy the person intellectually.

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.
I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I've been on both sides of this situation.....

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

Response: #15
Received: Mar 9, 1999 16:21 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

I had been dating this guy for about two months and he started calling me every five minutes. I would tell him I was going to take a shower and he would say "ok" but the second I put down the phone he would call back to make sure I was really in the shower and not going out with another guy. Then he would get his friends to follow me to work and school for no obvious reason. Needless to say I got rid of him pretty quickly. Eventually I had to take out a restraining order on him.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I think we should see other people
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

"You are such a bitch!" and "You know you want me" and "Why are you doing this? You are cold hearted as hell!!!"

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

He nearly smothered me to death and acted like a stalker.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I would try to avoid him and I wouldn't return his hundreds of calls. And when he asked me what was wrong I told him to guess. No he didn't get the hint.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Don't date a stalker.

Response: #16
Received: Mar 9, 1999 18:39 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

When we had known each other only 1 week and he was already checking in with me before he did anything

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
We never had a relationship — we're just friends

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

that I was to prude and needed to live a little

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

there really wasn't a relationship but he finally got the clue when he saw me with someone else

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

never try to force youself on someone who you just met, perhaps if this had come about gradual i could have seen myself interested but not that soon!

Response: #17
Received: Mar 19, 1999 04:10 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

We slept together after waiting several weeks then: Daily emails stopped Attention refocused to new car Distant

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

My insult was I don't have that chemistry with you for a lifelong commitment. This was said after waiting several weeks for me to sleep with him.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

Neither of us had been in a relationship for years. He did nothing wrong except in that he was so romantic and made me feel special. But his attitude suddenly switched and told him, hey this isn't the person I want to marry. Unfortunately I felt he was the person for me.

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Trust your gut feelings. If you begin feeling a sense of insecurity- listen to it. Don't let it trick you that, it's all in your head. Deep down I knew I'd lost him, once we slept together. Which ironically was why I waited for 3 weeks before hopping into bed.

Response: #18
Received: Apr 19, 1999 19:14 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

We weren't communicating anymore. We didn't go out anymore, we just hung around. He was hanging around me way too much, he dumped all his friends for me and then when I went out with my friends he was miserable. He started talking about getting married sooner and sooner.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

[He said] I broke up with him because my best friend told me to. I'm nothing but a school girl and an immature little bitch.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

I don't think he did anything wrong, I just didn't feel a spark anymore and I didn't want to be around him anymore.

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I began ignoring him, making other plans. He somewhat got the hint, but not really.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Don't fall for someone so fast if you're not sure about whether or not you REALLY want to be with them.

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Response: #19
Received: Apr 22, 1999 13:47 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

He just started popping up at my crib and not even calling first, he didnt know if i was home or not its crazy.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

none he still doesnt get it!

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

1.)He will try to touch me and I'll back away ,2.) I told him about this other boy that I met at this party,3.) when he came to my crib (house) he only stayed 30 min, 4.)I told him we could just be friends. And no I still don't think this damn fool got the hints! Because when he was getting ready to leave he said Im coming back tommorrow Ugh!

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Watch who you meet ! Because they can be psychoIII or something crazy!

It's ok if you give my name:

Response: #20
Received: Apr 26, 1999 15:14 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

They get jeolous to quick with people who have been around most of my life. And tried to change my ways to quickly to fast. I would have been willing to change at my own pace. But as I was willing to adapt they should have been willing to change as well. Relations ships change all the time both parties should be willing to grow together.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other: If you expect me to change you should be willing to change as well so that we could adapt to one another. If not ,bye.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

None I tend to act civil, they responded the same way.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I was little direct. I had started to ignore her for a while but I finally wanted out so I just told them I wanted out.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

What qualities I should avoid. But I do like. Never get involve with a woman you meet at a bar most of them carry baggages with them.

Response: #21
Received: May 25, 1999 18:22 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

Before a month was up he had taken me round to his parent place on the pretense of "just picking something up" and he had arranged for his brother (who doesn't live there) to be there so that the whole family could meet me - very scary!

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I'm just not looking for a relationship right now

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

None thankfully, it was all very civilised.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

Very clingy!

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

Avoidance - and no!

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

I should not have let it go on for as long as it did - I knew pretty much straight off that I wasn't really interested - but it was convenient at the time although in saying that - I never set out to intentionally hurt his feelings or anything.

Response: #22
Received: Jun 11, 1999 16:49 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

Well, this guy I was with knew how I felt about sex before marriage (it's wrong!), but he still always pushed to move a little farther when we were together and he was handsy in a way that made me feel uncomfortable, not loved. My signals were pretty clear, but he was totally dense to them, so I broke up with him. He acted all shocked and like I was the jerky one for only staying with him for a short time.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other: This isn't anyone's fault, you just have different morals and you move faster than I'm ready for. I don't think I'm the right girl for you!

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

He insulted me and said that I was immature and didn't know how to handle a real relationship. He also said that I was a bitch for doing this too him.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

Whenever he would advance towards me in public, I would edge away and hold his hand instead of letting him slip it up my shirt right in the middle of dessert in a crowded restaurant. But he never got it.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

I've moved on to people who are younger than I am and move a lot slower. I recently was in a very serious relationship however and my boyfriend said I moved a little too fast, so that was a problem. But that's another story.

It's ok if you give my name:

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Response: #23
Received: Jun 12, 1999 19:20 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

we didnt even date long..and he started telling me what he expected of me.. i mean c'mon even in marriage it is a two way street.. this guy got dropped like a bad habbit..

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I think we should see other people
We never had a relationship — we're just friends
This is your fault — you shouldn't have moved so fast
Other: your a possesive jerk that's after sex..leave me alone or my dad will take this up with you.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

That I should take his advice.. that i wouldnt find anyone else that my plan for waiting on jesus wouldnt work (these are all false..jesus never fails)

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

we werent even dating long when he started "laying down the golden rules" it was pathedic..telling me how i was to dress..act speak.. he even stated that he didnt want to go to church and got pissed off when i went.. i droped him like a bad habit..i am me no matter what..

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

i was straight forward in telling him that he doesnt own me now or in a marriage.. that a wife is a parner and a help mate..not a thing of ownership.. that he was immature and a jerk..and he needs a hooker not me.. and i left him..

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

when you are dating it is ok to talk about what you want from a relationship..but never try to own or run a person..even in a marriage.. be a team and work things out..compromise..dont force an issue or try to make a person what you want..consider the persons feelings.. sex is an issue..for marriage..but otherwise not for a dating relationship and i dont let any guy run it over me.

Response: #24
Received: Jul 3, 1999 09:38 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

My ex boyfriend was divorced with three kids so he decied that he would want that all back. I'm alot younger then him so when I noticed that he was looking for another mother to his children rather then a g/f I decided I had to get out.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I think we should see other people
This is your fault — you shouldn't have moved so fast
Other: And I decided I would try to make things work with my ex because I had already invested two years in him.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

I'm soo sick of having to deal with all your baggage from your ex b/f. Well I was sick of dealing with his baggage from his ex wife!!

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

When he got to clingy with me (three phone calls a day) I decided that it was too much. I had no more challange in him and the relationship was by the book. I always knew what was next and I like some excitement in my life.

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I told him I wanted to see other people. He didn't get it. He said I could see other people but he would wait for me.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

No I realize that we shouldn't have broke up because he had everything I needed. We are great friends when his new g/f isn't around but our friendship will never be the same as it was before. I really want him back! I LOVE YOU C!

Response: #26
Received: Jul 26, 1999 22:31 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

I let him set the pace of the relationship. We worked on being friends and getting to know one another. He called every night and a couple times through out the day and always tried to include me in things he was doing. He took me on vacations and to his lake house (along with my 5 year old son). He made future plans and told me we would be together for a long time. 3 months later we finally slept with one another. Our relationship started to move faster and faster then all of a sudden he stopped calling as much and didn't return my phone calls for a couple of days. This all started when I told him I filed for divorce (see I have been seperated, and he knew that) But it was like once I told him I had an appointment with an attorney, he stared puting distance between us.

Editor's note:
This response exemplifies the point that people sometimes abruptly change speeds. You never can tell, I guess. A good reply to someone who sets a quick pace and then says "You moved too fast" is "You shouldn't have led me on."
--jeb

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

The last time I talked to him he told me that it would be better if he didn't spend as much time with my son around - this was to make my divorce go smoother, Well I have my son all the time - so I heard he didn't want to spend time with me. I packed the stuff he had at my house up and left it on his office doorstep.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

He has never called, and he won't return my calls

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I didn't want to break up, but the feeling I was getting from him was that he was just not interested anymore, so I saved both of us a long drawn break-up

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

communication - every relationship needs it. If something is on your mind, talk about it, and be honest with it.

Editor's note:
Too simplistic. People who say everything that comes into their heads are called tactless and disrespectful.
--jeb

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Response: #28
Received: Sep 13, 1999 20:05 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

frequent phone calls with nothing to say or share looking at friends or workplace for me asking others about my business showing up uninvited overstepping bounds making assumptions etc.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
We never had a relationship — we're just friends
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I was direct and exact about the things I felt were out of line. He did not accept this as fact.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Warning!!!! These are dangerous people and should be avoided when looking for a partner.

Response: #29
Received: Sep 20, 1999 13:41 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

We stopped doing things together that we used to do in the past. she had excuses for not spending the night at my place. The real big sign was.... she told me she didn't love me anymore.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
This is your fault — you shouldn't have moved so fast
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

I should have given her more space/time to get her shit together.

Response: #31
Received: Oct 31, 1999 18:12 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

When after the first couple of weeks he would question my every move and didnt like it when I was out with my friends.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I would say that I felt like I had no social life anymore....but he just didnt get the hint.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Every relationship is different. I would not stay in it if I were unhappy. What I learned is that you just need to do what you feel is right for you.

Response: #32
Received: Nov 15, 1999 18:20 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

She began to look at every movement or behavior and wonder if there were things I was hiding, and how I would handle a tough situation. She sarted backing away and I suddenly felt out of control. She had become uncomfortable with the serious tone and fast pace and she felt the relationship was making her uncomfortable. She took back control by putting on the brakes. We aren't broken up but we are not going forward. We had stepped back to a very early stage. Tentative about dating or getting involved. There are feelings from her she says so.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other: I am concerned about some issues and I don't know if this is what I want for the rest of my life.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

None, we have been very civil. She has just gone cold. Less contact. Keeping herself busy. We did go away after having several discussions. We had it planned. We had a great time and I can tell there are feelings but I can't seem to get her guard down. She has mentioned her fear that it would be very easy based on her feelings to fall back in without considering the issues that bother her. And it would happen again later and be more difficult and painful.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.

What happened to the relationship?

We stayed together

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Well, I am trying to deal with my need to be in control. I am very affected by her withdrawl. I have read a lot about relationships in the past and I understand sometimes relationships go backwards before they go forwards again. However, only at the pace of the slowest person's pace. Either I can deal with it or I will force her away. At some point the walls will fall or one of us will walk away. At least this is what I believe. I want to trust what she tells me. That is so difficult.

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Response: #33
Received: Dec 1, 1999 19:11 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

I found that I had just been following along. Not doing the things I wanted to do and not being able to say anything, mostly I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it. Its kind of like running alongside someone who is walking to fast and you are trying to talk to them but you can't catch your breath and you can't quite catch them. I ended the relationship saying that we didn't want the same things out of life. He said that I must have found someone else because he felt that everything was going really well, and there was no other explaination. I could have explained until I was blue in the face and it would'nt have made any difference.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

I was accused of having found someone else. Othet than that I could'nt be bothered to waste my time on arguing. I had no energy left. The relationship had total zapped me of energy.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I didn't exactly drop hints. When I knew for certain that I wanted out I said so. It took a month of talking but we finally made the decision to split. I think that if someone feels they want out of a relationship they should just do it. Life is to short to waste on a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Always organize some time to sit down and talk and if the relationship needs to be talked about say so.

Response: #34
Received: Dec 23, 1999 18:07 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I think we should see other people
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

he became rude. he started paying attention to other people when we were together.

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I didn't drop any...for some reason i felt that staying the same would somehow help me not feel the way i was which was that i had no fellings for him anymore

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up We stayed together

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Response: #35
Received: Dec 27, 1999 17:10 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

I felt smothered. He'd call 5-6 times a day, AFTER leaving my house. He'd walk me to each class and was just always there. I never went anywhere with out him and it drove me crazy! He kept talking about us being married and I was like, "Woah! Slow down bud! I'm only 16 and you are too."

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
This is your fault — you shouldn't have moved so fast

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I'd spend a lot of time with my ex-boyfriend. He noticed these hints but didn't seem to care.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

That when I feel smothered in a relationship I need to get out of the relationship really fast because smothering can often lead to abuse...like in my case. I tried to break off with him and he threatened to kill himself and me. I felt trapped and all because I didn't want to be rude by breaking up with him. It's better to be rude than feel trapped.

It's ok if you give my name:

Response: #36
Received: Jan 5, 2000 21:55 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

when we started aurging a lot and she did not want me to kiss her no more.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

i hate you and if you leave me i better never see you with no one else or i will kill you both.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

What happened to the relationship?

We stayed together

Response: #37
Received: Jan 14, 2000 13:11 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

That's just it. I didn't see any signs. I thought everything was fine. I knew he cared about me as much as I cared about him. It was only when I told him that I wanted to see him on a more serious level that the relationship ended.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
Other:

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

I can't get past the guys you've dated. We live too far away from each other. I feel like you're asking me to make a committment to you. I feel like you're just settling for second best with me.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

In addition, my partner resented my efforts toward staying together.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Be open and honest when you begin to develop feelings. Don't wait too long to tell someone you love them.

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Response: #39
Received: Apr 29, 2000 12:42 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

He would totaly back off from me or be cold towards me. He would give mixed signals and sometime not come home.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I think we should see other people
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
We never had a relationship — we're just friends

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

I was in love with him but he was not in love with me. I only dated you to get you to sleep with me. ETC.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I saw my partner backing away, and so I began trying harder to make the relationship work.
In addition, my partner resented my efforts toward staying together.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Well I learned he has had problems with relationships in the past and that he really did have strong feelings for me but was scared and felt the easiest thing to do would be to run! We were off and on for 4 years but we are married now and things are much better. I think because it is a secure relationship!

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Response: #40
Received: May 2, 2000 04:43 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

There was no relationship, only friendship. Then the other person suddenly out of the blue starting acting strange and obsessive.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

We never had a relationship — we're just friends

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

The ending of our 'friendship' accompanied only threats by the other person, not myself. Stating, I'd better watch my back, they'll be watching me, and they were going to tell friends of mine lies about me, which they did, but my other friends knew better than believe them.

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I stated I was still in love with my ex, and talked about him all the time. This was a friend of his. And obviously this guy did not get any hints not to mention the fact that I repeatedly stated on many occasions, I would not ever date an ex's friend or family member. I don't think it's a good thing nor would I feel right about it, it would bother me if it were done to me, so I wouldn't want to do that to someone else.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

We broke up the 'friendship', and I have steered clear of this person.

Response: #41
Received: May 17, 2000 10:35 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

He would stay at my place untill really late and then just pretend that he was too tired to drive home or would look for other excuses to stay over.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
Other: I was honest with him and told him that I don't want him to fake excuses when he knows that I don't want him to stay over.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

Response: #42
Received: Jul 8, 2000 00:20 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

SLUT, BITCH

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

TOLD HIM HE COULD GO OUT, IF HE WANTED. TRIED TO HAVE IS FRIENDS TAKE HIM OUT. HE THOUGHT I DIDNT GIVE HIM ENOUGH ATTENTION

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

BE VERY CAUTIOS AND EXPECT NOTHING FROM THE OTHER PERSON. DONT STOP DOING THINGS WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES. YOU WILL NEED THEM ALLYOUR LIFE AND THEY ARE NOT WOTH GIVING UP FOR SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.

Editor's note:
I wrote back with a question, and the respondent gave more details:

> HE WAS CRAZY.He always complained about me spending tim e with him , when he
> lived with me. ... When my
> mother came to visit he whined about not getting any attention, when i
> included him in anything. He would'nt hang out with his friends, I couldn't
> hang out with my friends.

— jeb

Response: #43
Received: Oct 27, 2000 00:15 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

kept wanting more from me then i wanted. Told me he loved me when we had just started going out 2 weeks befor.

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

Other: i have to be alone, by myself i need to figure things out, i don't know if i like you as much as you like me.

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

i kept asking what it would belike to be alone. i kept telling my friends infront of him ineed to be alone for a while no serious relationships. i think he did get the hint.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Response: #44
Received: Feb 8, 2001 09:52 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? I did my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

My b/f starting the relationship out way too fast and I felt slightly uncomfortable but did not slow it down at the time - I just went with the flow. Unfortunately, when I really was interested in him and I started acting like he was; he backed off BIG TIME!

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
You're very nice, but.... /I love you too, but....
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

He was very nice to me but I was so hurt by his instant change of heart that I called him a flake (doesnt sound that bad but he didnt like it at all). I guess I wish I didnt say it now that I think about it.

Editor's note:
I kinda think he had it coming.

I've seen this often, this phenomenon of "I'm breaking up with you because you're starting to reciprocate."
Seems abnormal somehow.
I hope a psychologist will do a study on this phenomenon someday —
It's very common, but it doesn't even have a name, as far as I know.
— jeb

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Ive learned that if things are moving too fast in the beginning for me that I should be the be the one to suggest that we slow it down instead of going against my gut feeling and then ending up being the on ethat gets dumped!

Response: #45
Received: Feb 12, 2001 13:07 ET

Have you ever been in the above situation?

no, but I am filling in this form because

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

We became friends several years ago. After a while as friends, I found out how he actually felt. He told me that the main reason we became friends was because he was hoping for something more to happen. Once I told him I was not interested in him that way, he kind of changed. He still continues to hit on me by making sexual remarks and even gestures at times. Even though he knows I do not want an intimate relationship with him, he won't leave it be. Then when I tell him enough is enough, he apologizes and says, "I can't help it, I just like you sooo much".

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I'm just not looking for a relationship right now
We never had a relationship — we're just friends

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

no

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I don't hint. I keep telling him that I am not interested in him that way and to please stop. He apoligizes, but he always ends up doing it again.

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

What lessons should be learned from this relationship?

Some people just won't listen. They will try and try as hard as possible to get their way. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and go your seperate ways.

Response: #46
Received: Jul 10, 2001 03:45 ET

Who allegedly moved too fast, you or your partner? my partner did

What signs did you see that the relationship was in trouble?

And how long had the relationship gone on before you saw these signs?

What were the reason(s) given for breaking up?

I feel trapped
I don't have 24 hours a day to spend with you
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now

Breakups are often accompanied by insults. What insults do you remember hearing?

You're not independent... You're a kiss-ass...

Did the problem occur when/because you suddenly lost feelings for your partner?

yes

If yes, what did your partner do wrong? Or what caused (or preceded) this loss of feelings?

Lack of manners, failure to hold a steady job, lack of responsibility, failure to show respect to others

I wanted to break up, but found it difficult to put my exact reasons into words.

If you were the one who wanted to break up, what if any indirect hints did you drop, and did your partner seem to get those hints?

I just want to be friends Let's just have sex with no emotional attachement "do you want to come over?" NO He didn't get the hints

What happened to the relationship?

We broke up

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