definition of disloyalty / definition of loyalty

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

From the chapter on Disloyalty:

When someone attacks or bullies a friend of mine, my absolute duty is to defend my friend, and to never say anything that might be construed as defending the bully’s right to continue his or her behavior in comfort. I do not stop to consider the bully’s “feelings” or to look for the logic in his position. I won’t sympathize with him by saying “Well, maybe he had a bad day / a bad childhood / a good reason.” I won’t attack the easier target by criticizing you for getting in his way. Loyalty to my friends comes first. I won’t resort to cowards’ excuses like “I don’t believe in taking sides” or “I only have one side of the story” or “I didn’t stop him from hurting/injuring you because I believe revenge is wrong” or “I didn’t get angry at him because I believe in controlling my emotions” or “My mommy taught me to Turn The Other Cheek.”

— J. E. Brown

If one would have a friend, then must one also be willing to wage war for him: and in order to wage war, one must be CAPABLE of being an enemy.

— Nietzsche

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

— Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

This appears in the Definition of No, but it applies here as well:

The Rudeness of Captain Kirk.

When I was young, I watched an episode of the original Star Trek. When the starship Enterprise was being boarded by an enemy, Captain Kirk said something that rocked my world:

I do not negotiate for control of my ship.{You’re reading “Definition of loyalty” by J. E. Brown.}

To me, as a child, that was a shocking statement. Captain Kirk could get sent to time out for talking that way! My parents and teachers had taught me that we should all Get Along and not be selfish with our toys. They even taught me singsong slogans to say about it, like “Share and share alike.” Deep down, I felt the Captain was being very rude. I never forgot his naughty display of bad attitude. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/no.html .}

It wasn’t until adulthood that I understood better: Some people, the Klingons of this world, are not here to play nicely, and if we wish to have money and property and a career and children and happiness — and to keep them — then we must occasionally defend them. This means breaking a few of the rules we learned in the playpen, for it means we must say no to people, and even put up our fists to people. More importantly, it means we must learn to feel good about doing so, and not feel guilty about it, because that guilt robs us of resolve. If we have internalized the lessons our parents taught us so completely that we wouldn’t hurt a mosquito (or a human with the attitude of a mosquito), then we are no protectors of home and family.

— J. E. Brown

I remember the time I was at the grocery store, about to drive away with my groceries. A young woman in another car parked to my right and, completely oblivious to the fact that I was there, banged her car door into my passenger-side door, not once, but multiple times!

I left a note on her windshield, where I mentioned her actions, and I added “See if you can find the damage I did to YOUR car.” And having thus committed an act of psychological warfare, I drove away (I felt there was no need to do any actual damage to get my point across).

Later, when I told a friend about this, I was lectured for my vindictiveness. My so-called “friend” said nothing against the woman’s actions. Apparently my friend felt that the woman (some total stranger) had every right to carry out offenses against my property!

It would take me years to discover that my friend’s “lecture the victim” attitude was in fact an empathy disorder, similar to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and stoicism.

Anyone who thinks there should be no penalty for attacking you is no friend.

— J. E. Brown

From the chapter on Disloyalty:

Loyalty should be a reflex and not the result of a lengthy thought process. Example: If you and I are window shopping and a total stranger on the sidewalk shoves me out of his way and into the street, the correct reaction is not “Oh, that stranger must be having a bad day.” Your correct and automatic response should obviously be that now I may have a bad day. Your first loyalty is not to that stranger on the street. To say it another way: Anyone who attacks you will not be getting my expressions of understanding and sympathy. I’ll defend you first and maybe think about other people later. If this principle of defending your friends is new to you, or if your first impulse is to argue with it, then you cannot be in my life. In general: If someone wrongs me, you WILL take my side. You don’t get to say “Maybe he had a good reason”; you don’t get to help him think up rationalizations (he can invent those without your help); you don’t get 30 seconds to re-examine your loyalty to the bond between us before acting; you don’t get to choose the cowardly options (all of which seem to coincidentally have the goal of letting him off the hook) and call it the “moral high ground”; and you don’t get to choose convenience over my friendship.

Choosing sides with your friends IS the moral high ground.

— J. E. Brown

2^nd edition 09 Sep 2015
1^st edition 16 Aug 2009

Further Reading at Other Sites

• A More Poetic Definition of Loyalty.

more Thoughts of the Week

More at This Site

• Definition of Verbal Abuse

• Is there a booklet of manners in your house?
  We offer this one:
  How Rude! -- a booklet about rude and abusive people, and how to recognize them