definition of why — Brown’s Dictionary of Relationship Terms

Two Meanings.

Asking people to explain their personal choices is a way of informing people that you consider their actions, tastes, and preferences weird, different, and strange, and that’s rude.

It’s rude to ask why someone is doing something, unless you’re being hurt, harmed, delayed, cheated, or inconvenienced.
When we ask “why”, we are usually questioning someone’s good taste, someone’s judgment, someone’s ethics, or someone’s morals. Questioning someone’s actions is the next closest thing to laughing at them.

There are really two reasons for asking why. There are really two possible meanings:

What’s the matter with you that makes you do that?
How can I do that? I want to do it too.

It’s like the difference between “Don’t do that in front of me” and “Show me how it’s done.”
It’s the difference between “Why can’t I do that too?” and “Why would anyone in their right mind do that?”

A lady or gentleman does not comment on the personal habits of others.

How Peer Pressure Works.

Rude people have a habit of making improper demands. They accuse us without proof; they ask for more and give nothing in return. They criticize; they manipulate; they make personal remarks; and they act like we owe them explanations.
Some people have the mistaken belief that we owe them explanations for being different from them. (Different from them? How dare we!) It is no less appropriate, then, that we should ask them for explanations. We can start with “I’m not sure what you mean by that” and “Why do you ask?” and “What’s with the interrogation?” and “Who do you think you are? My Mom? Mind your place!”

Often, when people ask you for an explanation, they’re really debating and challenging your needs, standards, and boundaries.
Examples:

“Why do you do it that way? I would do it this way.”
“Why do you believe in that religion? I believe in this one.”
“Why do you hold your fork like that?”
“Why do you make so much noise when you chew your food?”
“Why are you so quiet?”
“Why do you talk so much?”
“Why do you talk funny?”
“Why do you have a funny name?”
“Why don’t you make eye contact when I’m speaking?”
“Why are you so short?”

There is no real curiosity behind the questions. Just peer pressure and judgmentalness.

Red Flags: Words and Phrases Often Used by Offenders.

Whenever “Why” and “you” appear in the same question, there is a risk of implying “You shouldn’t have done that” and a risk of giving offense, by calling someone’s judgment into question. Examples:

Why are you ____?
Why did you ____?
Why do you ____?
Why don’t you ____?
Why were you ____?
Is there a reason …?

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

Translations

Statement	Meaning
“Why do you do that?”	“Why would anyone in his right mind do that?”
“Why do you do that? What do you do for fun?”	“I took this opportunity to remind you that I don’t consider your hobbies and entertainment to be valid. Because I’m a mental child and I have no inhibitions.”
Socially inept people who ask: “Why are you frowning?”	“I don’t like your face.” “I’m insensitive toward people who have unusual wrinkles.” “You weren’t really frowning, you were just not smiling. In kindergarten I started calling that ‘frowning’ and no one ever corrected me.” “Sometimes the television has a bad connection and stops providing me with entertainment. In the same way I would rattle the TV, I thought I’d rattle you too.” “I consider it my job to be the Smile Police.” {Read this comp1ete article at https://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/why.html .} “I make people self-conscious because I have no filter.” “When I was little, one of my parents or teachers always corrected me if I didn’t smile all the time. Unfortunately they forgot to explain that it would be rude of me to correct my friends and superiors in the same way.”

— J. E. Brown

Comebacks

Responses to a few childish debating tactics.

If someone tells you:	Your correct response is:
“Why do you ____?”	“Why do you ask?” “Why do you ask me to justify my harmless actions and choices?” “Why do you keep asking me that? I hope it doesn’t mean you disapprove — or does it? 🤨” “If I’ve given you the impression that it’s your place to sit in judgment over how I make personal decisions, then I do apologize. 🤨”
“Is there a reason why you’re climbing this mountain?” “Is there a reason why you’re painting this thing white?”	“Personal tastes do not require justification.”
“Why do you eat that? Why do you eat so much? Don’t you know that it’s bad for you? Don’t you know that it’s bad for you?”	“Why do you keep asking me that? Don’t you know that nagging is bad for your relationships? Don’t you know that nagging is bad for your relationships?” “Did you know that asking the same question repeatedly is how some people express their disapproval? … Did you know that asking the same question repeatedly is how some people express their disapproval?” “Did you know that repeating a question over and over is a symptom of Alzheimer’s?” → Optionally you may follow up with “I hope you’ll see a doctor about your forgetfulness. I’m SO concerned for you.” If you say this with a lukewarm smile, it’s like adding “By the way, we both know you were asking just to be difficult. That’s why my response is no more intended to be friendly and helpful than your question was, a**hole.” “In other words: You’re not fooling me with your fake curiosity. So get your manipulation tactics under control, because I will call you on them.”
“Why did you do it that way? I would have done it like this.” “Why did you put that there? I would have put it here.” “Why do you do that in the morning? You should do it in the evening. That’s what I’d do.”	“Well, good for you!” “Well, good for you!” “Well, good for you! That shows that you are your own person, and that you don’t let other people’s nit-picky little opinions affect or intrude on your tastes and your individuality. 🙂”
“Why did you wait so long to come forward?” “Why are you bringing this up now?”	“Are you saying that you find my timing inconvenient? And that you wish I hadn’t brought it up at all?”
“Why did you take that job?” “Why did you go to school there?”	“Did you know that when you ask a question that way, it sounds judgmental?” “I’m not sure I understand the tone of your question. … I think YOU have some explaining to do.”
“I don’t see why you ____.” “I don’t see why....”	“Yes… Not seeing means having a blind spot. I hope your blind spot won’t continue to be a source of friction between us.” “Yes, I know. Your blind spot is not a defense. It’s the problem.”
“I don’t understand why you ____.”	“Ignorance is a funny thing to be proud of.” “Oh, that’s too bad. You know, there’s a term for people who understand me and approve: They’re called ‘Supportive Friends’.” Often heard from those who owe you an explanation for their behavior.
The roommate who asks: “Why do you waste your time watching that trash?” “Why don’t you go out more?” “That’s ugly. Why do you own that?” “Why did you put it there?”	“Excuse me? You ask that question as though I’m accountable to you.” “I am not accountable to you for what I own and where I keep it. It’s not in your way; and your disapproval just makes you an opinionated person. Understood?” “I am not accountable to you for the quality of my belongings.” “I am not accountable to you for how I spend my time.” “Why didn’t your parents teach you any manners?”
“I don’t understand. Why won’t you go out with me?”	“No means no. It does not mean ‘Interrogate me until I cave.’” {You’re reading “Definition of Why” by J. E. Brown.}
When you fall out of love with someone, put him or her on the total defensive by asking questions that have no answers: “You love me? Why?”	“Can you answer this question about even your best friend? Or your mom? … Do you even want to be that analytical? No? Then don’t hold me to a higher double standard.”
“Why aren’t you married yet?”	“I’m amazed that you feel I owe you that personal information. How nosy and arrogant.” “Maybe someday when I owe you an explanation, you’ll get one!”
“Dear TV Star — why are you so thin?”	“Dear Busybody — why is it your business?” “Who told you it was polite to ask personal questions?” “Why do you read those trash newspapers and celebrity tabloids?”
“Why are you on your phone all the time?”	“Exaggerating the length of time is childish.”
“But I wasn’t criticizing.”	“Yes, you were. You were pointing out that my actions are strange and unusual and not what most people would do. You were dropping hints that everything I do is weird or doesn’t meet your approval somehow.”
Any comment about a physical defect.	“That’s no way to talk to people. What are you, twelve years old?” “How kind of you to call attention to that.” :^( “Do I point out how strange your face is?”
Any judgmental or impertinent question.	“May it please the court, this is the way I do things.” “You’re awfully free with your disapproval. Why is that? I think YOU have some explaining to do.” “Bringing my differences to my attention is rude.” “Are you going to question everything I do?” “(shrug) I don’t have to answer that.” “It’s not polite to sound so surprised!” “People want to fit in. So I don’t see how telling me I stand out is a compliment.” “The fact that you want to know doesn’t make it your business.”

— J. E. Brown

Random Thoughts.

→ Never assume that someone who asks nosy questions truly cares to hear your logical answer. Assume you are being challenged, and respond to the challenge.

Bandwagons: Over the years it’s been cool to ridicule all of these groups:

people who are good at math
people with car phones
people with cell phones
people who have a bottle of water with them at all times
men with long hair

… as if there were anything wrong or hurtful therein. It’s proof that some people are too judgmental for the rest of us to hang out with.

Asking your equals to justify their actions and choices is arrogant.
By never asking impertinent questions, you show that you know what “respect” means.

If you wish to have harmony in your relationships, always treat others better than the way their parents treated them. You are not raising your spouse and your friends and your roommates.
If your response is “Well, someone has to,” then congratulations, you’re a control freak. {You’re reading “Definition of Why” by J. E. Brown.}

Pointing out someone’s flaws — or worse, your opinion of his flaws — is rude.

I asked one rental applicant when he’d need housing, and he wrote back “May 10. (Why isn’t that question on the application?)”
— as if it were his place to talk down to me, or his place to take me to task or to give me the third degree. Obviously I rejected him for his attitude.

— J. E. Brown

From the chapter on “How to Be an Insensitive Jerk”

I don’t know if there’s really a book titled How to Be Rude, but if there were, the Devil would speak in bloody red letters, the Conscience would speak in small print, and the book would say something like this:

It’s easy to become disliked. To create more distance in your friendships and relationships, practice these annoying techniques:

Point out people’s differences: Point out everything they do that is strange or unfamiliar to you. Point out everything that is not part of your limited experience.
Make a habit of asking people to justify their harmless habits and procedures.
Call attention to someone’s personal mannerisms.
Ask people to justify any part of their lives which you feel they should be embarrassed about, anything which is not up to your standards:

“Why does your car make so much noise?”
“Why do you wear that?”
“Why is your hair that way?”
“Why does your house have a broken ____?”
“Why do you have that accent?”

Frequently remind your friends that you consider them different, unusual, and strange. You must keep their self-esteem in check, or else they will have the strength to go out and find new friends and have the strength to have a life that may not include you.
Ask questions in a way that makes it obvious that NO answer will be acceptable to you.
Ask people to justify their personal statistics and decisions, especially the ones that don’t affect you. Imply that they even need reasons. Better yet, ask for justifications, but make it sound like you’re only after information or just innocently curious:

“Why did you leave that job?”
“Why did you vote for him?”
“Why is this here?”
“Why are you here?”
“I’m just calling to ask if there’s some reason why you don’t use our product.”
“Dear Santa Claus, — Why are you so fat?”

If people would just live in a way that was acceptable to you, you wouldn’t have to pressure them with questions. (Interrogation reveals disapproval.) {You’re reading “Definition of Why” by J. E. Brown.}
Subliminally inform people that they’re in violation of your definition of “normal.”
First abuse people. Upset them on purpose. Then demand explanations from them: demand to know why they’re having the normal, natural reactions to your abuse: “Why do you get upset at every little thing I say?”
When a friend says he’s working on some personal project, your first reaction should be to criticize. “Why would anyone buy that?” “I don’t see what good your product or service is supposed to do.”

By being obnoxious, you can get rid of those burdensome friendships and relationships in a hurry. Why would anyone want one of those?

— J. E. Brown

Quotes

70th Reprehend not the imperfections of others for that belong[s] to Parents Masters and Superiours.
71st Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of Others and ask not how they came. …
— “Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation”, tr. Francis Hawkins (ca. 1640)

2^nd edition 23 May 2024
1^st edition 07 Jun 2017

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Concepts:

definition of why, what does why mean, define why, why is defined as, why do people ask me to explain why I do the things I do.

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Definition of Verbal Abuse

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We offer this one:
How Rude! — a booklet about rude and abusive people, and how to recognize them