Excerpts from my book (in progress)
If your partner has begun insulting you by calling you needy, you should watch out for that other kind of neediness, the reverse kind, the neediness of the partner who stops loving you but starts using you for sex. Somehow his kind of opportunism never gets called needy…. Well, maybe we should start a new tradition: ;^) Whenever someone calls you “needy”, meaning “I caught you wanting more than sex,” it’s fair for you to object that wanting someone only for sex is “needy” in the exact same exploitative way: wanting something the other party didn’t agree to. In other words, your partner has decided to (a) seize unilateral control of the tradeoffs and compromises governing your relationship and then (b) to frame YOU as the needy, demanding one.
The Principle of Least Interest
It is said that the person who holds the power in any relationship is the one who needs less. When your partner mistakes you for the needier party, and tries to use that power to twist your arm and get unilateral concessions, that’s a dealbreaker. Dumping his ass is the best response, if you’re ready to do that.
In my experience, perpetrators of this tactic are usually quite surprised when the tactic backfires, and in many cases will grovel for months trying to get back into your good graces. They quickly figure out that they needed you after all. Haha, who’s the needy one now? They learn their lesson.
— J. E. Brown
Three Kinds
There are several kinds of neediness, as seen through the eyes of the people who throw the term “needy” around:
- The Inexperienced Friend: He feels motivated to inform you of a norm. He likes you, but he’s tactless. Also he has mistaken his own upbringing for The One True Way.
- The Abuser: the sarcastic jerk who doesn’t respect your boundaries. He dislikes you, and this drives him to be tactless, toward you in particular.
- The Narcissist: the self-centered person who tries to silence your needs for his own ease and convenience.
— J. E. Brown
I like to keep this Dictionary original, and so I don’t usually like to incorporate the work of other dictionaries, mainly because most dictionaries are not founded on a coherent and consistent theory of personality; but I would like to respond to something at the Urban Dictionary. Currently their top definition for “needy” is “Requiring attention beyond what is normative”: the notion that underlying the definition of “needy” is a norm or a standard, an objective definition, as if there were an official approval process. The reader may rest assured: There was no meeting of psychologists where this was decided; in fact, every author seems to draw the line in a different place, a sure sign that the definitions are opinion-based.
Other sources offer the view that the standard of acceptable need is defined differently by each family and each couple: if your family of origin was unaffectionate and reserved and non-demonstrative, but your partner comes from a family where everyone is constantly hugging and reinforcing and saying “I love you” to each other, there might necessarily be a culture clash between you and your significant other. Humans display great diversity in the amount of emotional need, leading to arguments and differences as irreconcilable as any disagreement over religion. The word “needy” only erupts during the tug of war between what one side wants and what the other side is willing to give; and so in fact the definition of “needy” can never be known in advance or determined by reason, but must always be a compromise, an equilibrium found by pushing and pushing back. Figure out where that line is drawn, for you and your significant other, and you will live in a state of bliss — at least, that’s what folk wisdom says.
These are all interesting theories, but they don’t quite agree with observation.
We might guess that every couple has its own norm, its own private definition of the level of appropriate need. This is close, but not quite right. Because there is a phenomenon known as Mind Games: One friend or partner tires of the other partner, and starts fibbing for personal gain. He’ll start pretending that real rules are fake, and fake rules are real, and he falsely says “I never said that” and “I never agreed to that” and suddenly he develops an attitude that everything the partner does is Wrong. What about that compromise you thought you had, where the two of you agreed on the right level of appropriate need? He helped you draw the line — and now he’s moving it, unilaterally, without your input.
In other words, couples fall out of love. And dumpers like to shift blame. And friends will bail at exactly the moment when we need them. This means: Not only is there no worldwide standard, there is not even a local standard, not in regions, not in towns, not in couples: there is no stable universal constant for the best optimal amount of interpersonal support. People “fall out of like” with each other, and when they do, one party changes the rules — and then denies changing them. Any full definition of Needy must deal with the awareness that people Raise the Bar and Shift Blame and play Mind Games, especially the game of “I would prefer that you need less from me, so I’m going to pretend that my preference is in fact The Law, is in fact Normative, everywhere on Earth, and always has been — even though I know deep down that I’m generalizing from my own limited experiences and that my examples are cherry-picked from one or two friends or family members.” I suggest that that’s where the illusion of a standard comes from. {You’re reading “Definition of Needy” by J. E. Brown.}
“Needy” is the blame-shifting pejorative used when person X has a need which person Y does not wish to satisfy, based on Y’s upbringing, or based on experience, or based on a passing mood, or based on a whim. That is all. Decide whether you should risk your relationship by insulting your partner based on a mood or a whim or for your own momentary convenience. You can’t un-say an insult. You can’t un-commit an act of abandonment. When you flake on people in their time of need, they remember.
— J. E. Brown
Comebacks
| If someone tells you:
| Your correct response is:
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“You’re very needy.”
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“Well, I read a book that exposes your strategy for what it is: a game plan for silencing other people’s needs so that you can get the benefits of a one-sided relationship all to yourself! Good luck with that.”
“What a self-centered thing to say.”
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Digging for compliments: the teenager who asks “Are you mad at me?” every time there’s a lull in the conversation.
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“A therapist can help you see how your family of origin made you jumpy like this.” [Is a therapist really necessary? A friend can do the job.]
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“Like if you liked it, subscribe if you want to see more.”
— typical whine for attention at the end of too many YouTube videos
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Hey video producers: We know how the Like button works. “Please like me” is what little children say.
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— J. E. Brown
And Now, Some BS.
There’s a phenomenon which I’ll write about later called YCDNR, which stands for “You Can Do No Right”: You make one mistake, and suddenly you lose a friend, because the friend now thinks everything you do is wrong. I consider YCDNR the major mechanism by which people get dumped and bullied. Some lower part of the brain, perhaps the amygdala (which processes fear and panic reactions and emotional labeling) or the insular cortex (which processes disgust) has the power to make someone instantly fall out of love with you. Meanwhile, the more logical parts of his brain are trying in vain to figure out why the lower brain centers are vomiting the boyfriend or girlfriend out. The logical parts of the brain don’t remember making a logical decision to dump you, so they deny that the decision was internal and instead start looking for external explanations — in other words, ways to blame it on you. {You’re reading “Definition of Mind Games” by J. E. Brown.}
As other people have described their breakups:
After HE chased ME for six weeks, he said “You move too fast. You should learn to go slower.”
and
I was rejected cuz apperantly we were moving too fast tho he asked me to stay the night for weeks and he was the one talking about taking trips and living together where I never uttered a word in those subjects, some bullshit lol
and
There was the guy who pursued ME in chat. I mean (and I’m ashamed to admit this) I didn’t want him to think I was a dirty old cougar, so I allowed HIM to do all the pursuing and to make all the first moves. Every time we chatted, I allowed HIM to start our chat sessions. The result? Sure enough, when he broke off our friendship, he accused ME of being the needy one!
Later he claimed he was trying to end our relationship for months and dropping lots of hints — even though during that time, he continued to seek me out!!!
— J. E. Brown
Random Thoughts.
“Manipulative” and “needy” are what people who don’t care about you call you and your needs, your feelings, and your emotions.
One man’s “reasonable request” is another man’s “needy”.
Everyone expects not to be abused. Beware of people who mislabel your expectation as an “infantile need for approval”, as though anyone who expects to be treated right is a needy praise junkie who pesters others for positive reinforcement.
People don’t refuse to help you because you’re needy — people decide to call you needy because they don’t want to help you. Because their laziness has grown larger than their feelings of friendship toward you. {You’re reading “Definition of Needy” by J. E. Brown.}
You do not “love too much”. You are simply not loved back enough.
— J. E. Brown
1st edition 06 Apr 2018
Further Reading at Other Sites
Concepts:
definition of needy, why are people needy, what does needy mean, define needy, what is needy, needy is defined as, examples of needy. Misspellings: defination, deffinition, difinition, what is needy mean
More at This Site
- Is there a booklet of manners in your house?
We offer this one:
How Rude! — a booklet about rude and abusive people, and how to recognize them
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