definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face

an original definition by J. E. Brown

cutting off your nose to spite your face
cliché
  1. A common anti-victim slur thrown at victims of abuse who try to leave their abusers. A technique for silencing victims and expressing covert sympathy for the abuser. {Source: “Definition of Cutting Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face” by J. E. Brown.}

Example:

  • “I can’t understand why you would leave your husband just because he beat you up a few times. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face! You’re shooting yourself in the foot! Why can’t you just Turn the Other Cheek™ and be more forgiving? Look what a nice house you have. Why would you throw that away?” {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/cut_nose_spite_face.html .}

Not to be confused with:

Etymology:

  • From the uneducated belief that victims of abuse caused their own injury.
    Also from the uneducated belief that “Abusive Attacks Reveal the Pecking Order™” and therefore that all attempts by the victim to show strength and stand up for himself or herself are in fact displays of disrespect for the revealed pecking order and for Society and its rules — which, according to abuser defenders, is the only crime in the victim’s situation.
    From the un-stated belief that “Only Alphas are allowed to express themselves — betas are not” and “The abuser was simply expressing himself and therefore has done nothing wrong.”

Related Concepts:

  • Abuser-Defender Personality Disorder; disloyalty; feeding frenzy in humans; grooming victims to continue being victims, grooming victims not to react to abuse; manipulation; mind games; reinforcing powerlessness.
  • attacking the easy target; choosing sides with the enemy, identification with the aggressor; kicking people when they’re down; lending aid and comfort to the enemy; might makes right; re-victimization; Stockholm Syndrome; stoicism; treason; turn the other cheek; victim blaming.

Misspellings: {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/cut_nose_spite_face.html .}

  • cutting off your nose despite your face

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

If it quacks like a duck, it’s not a friend.

I once found myself in a hostile work environment. My therapist was oblivious to this fact, and looked for ways to excuse the abuse. When I told my therapist I had decided to quit my job, my therapist chose the wrong side. He said “You’re shooting yourself in the foot. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.” Notice how he failed to mention that my boss was shooting himself in the foot by mistreating his staff! {You’re reading “Definition of Cutting Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face” by J. E. Brown.}

This was to be my introduction to hybristophilia, an abuse phenomenon in which certain bystanders secretly find violence sexy, and will do whatever they can to assist it, such as advising victims to complain less, resist less, and “just lie back and enjoy it.” Many bystanders see your time of pain as their Reality TV, their Appointment Television, and they do what they can to make sure the entertainment doesn’t stop: they’ll advise you not to leave an abusive spouse, or counsel you to stay in a workplace where you’re being bullied or harassed. They like it that way: Your pain is their pornography. Or in the case of medical professionals: Your pain is their paycheck. Sounds sick and twisted? Oh, it is. So anytime someone mistreats you, be on the lookout for quack therapists and so-called “friends” who join in with the abuse by trying to silence your complaints. Kick them all out of your life. I did, and I’ve never regretted it. {Read this complete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/cut_nose_spite_face.html .}

Victim blamers, victim kickers, victim silencers, and victim profiteers  …  are scum.

— J. E. Brown

Comebacks

If someone tells you: Your correct response is:

Any defense of someone who abuses you.

“You didn’t say one thing against what HE did to ME. The NEXT time you defend the wrong side, I will dump you. Do I make myself clear?”

“A therapist may be able to help you with your disloyalty problem.”

“When someone attacks me, you WILL take my side and not his.”

— J. E. Brown


1st edition 22 Sep 2019


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