Relationshop > Brown’s Dictionary > Shooting Yourself in the Foot

definition of shooting yourself in the foot

an original definition by J. E. Brown

shooting oneself in the foot, shooting yourself in the foot

cliché

  1. Domestic and Workplace: A common anti-victim slur thrown at victims of abuse who try to leave their abusers. A technique for silencing victims and expressing covert sympathy for the abuser.
  2. Ironic and Literal: Accidentally injuring oneself in the foot, through careless handling of a firearm.
  3. Ironic and Figurative: Accidentally inflicting a cost (of time, money, labor, lost relationships, lost opportunity, etc.) on oneself, through careless or accidental action of any kind.
  4. From soldiers in wartime: The cowardly act of shooting oneself in the foot to get out of active military duty. These soldiers then often claimed the injury was accidental. Examples: “The gun went off while I was cleaning it,” “I dropped it and it went off,” etc.

People sometimes use the phrase “You’re shooting yourself in the foot!” as if it meant “You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face!” But in fact the whole “nose” business refers to acts of expensive revenge, intended as deterrents. Senses 2, 3, and 4 above have nothing to do with creating deterrents, and so, people who use the phrases interchangeably have misunderstood what those phrases mean.

However this leads to a more interesting discussion: People sometimes like to pick a winner: People like to influence the outcome of a conflict by taking sides with the powerful, to make sure the underdog loses. So in this case, “choosing sides” means not just guessing who’s going to win but actively helping them win, sometimes by (a) providing strength to the chosen victor, and often by (b) using psychological warfare tactics on the chosen loser, such as informing the underdog “You can’t win, you’ve already lost. In fact, everything you try will fail. Resistance will only shoot you in the foot (or so I’d like you to believe).” I’m referring to those people who silence victims — the effect is to let an abuser or bully off the hook, to help him win. For more about this, see Feeding Frenzy and Cutting Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face.

Related Concepts:

Abuser-Defender Personality Disorder; disloyalty; feeding frenzy in humans; grooming victims to continue being victims, grooming victims not to react to abuse; manipulation; mind games; reinforcing powerlessness; self-esteem reduction tactics.

attacking the easy target; choosing sides with the enemy, identification with the aggressor; kicking people when they’re down; lending aid and comfort to the enemy; might makes right; re-victimization; Stockholm Syndrome; stoicism; treason; turn the other cheek; victim blaming.

Etymology:

From the uneducated belief that victims of abuse caused their own injury.
Also from the uneducated belief that “Abusive Attacks Reveal the Pecking Order™” and therefore that all attempts by the victim to show strength and stand up for himself or herself are in fact displays of disrespect for the revealed pecking order and for Society and its rules — which, according to abuser defenders, is the only crime in the victim’s situation.
From the un-stated belief that “Only Alphas are allowed to express themselves — betas are not” and “The abuser was simply expressing himself and therefore has done nothing wrong.”

If it quacks like a duck, it's not a friend

I once found myself in a hostile work environment. My therapist was oblivious to this fact, and looked for ways to excuse the abuse. When I told my therapist I had decided to quit my job, my therapist chose the wrong side. He said “You’re shooting yourself in the foot. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.” Notice how he failed to mention that my boss was shooting himself in the foot by mistreating his staff!

This was to be my introduction to hybristophilia, an abuse phenomenon in which certain bystanders secretly find violence sexy, and will do whatever they can to assist it, such as advising victims to complain less, resist less, and “just lie back and enjoy it.” Many bystanders see your time of pain as their Appointment Television, and they do what they can to make sure the entertainment doesn’t stop: they’ll advise you not to leave an abusive spouse, or counsel you to stay in a workplace where you’re being bullied or harassed. They like it that way: Your pain is their pornography. Or in the case of medical professionals, Your pain is their paycheck. Sounds sick and twisted? Oh, it is. So anytime someone mistreats you, be on the lookout for quack therapists and so-called “friends” who join in with the abuse by trying to silence your complaints. Kick them all out of your life. I did, and I’ve never regretted it.

Victim blamers, victim kickers, victim silencers, and victim profiteers … are scum.

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

Comebacks

Responses to a few childish debating tactics.

If someone tells you: Your correct response is:

Any defense of someone who abuses you.

“You didn’t say one thing against what HE did to ME.
When someone harms me, you will take MY side and not his. Do I make myself clear?
The NEXT time you defend someone who attacks me, I will dump you.”

“Maybe he had a bad day!”

“Maybe he had a bad childhood!”

“Maybe you did something to make him mad.”

“Where’s your sympathy for my bad day?”

“Sympathizing with an abuser is called cowardice. Sympathizing with a victim is called character.”

“That’s called ‘Making Stuff Up because you’re looking for an easy way out of helping me’.”

“We’ve all sinned.”

“The fact that injustice is OK with you reveals a lot about your ethics.”

“The Golden Rule says you should treat people as you would like to be treated in return.”

“I don’t hear you saying that to the one who mistreated me! And also, you’re lecturing me instead of defending me — is that how you’d like me to treat you, someday, when you’re in a tough situation?”

“You need to control your emotions. When you get upset, bad people win.”

“You would be excellent at teaching kindergarten.”

“But he has a right to free speech!”

“And I have a right not to spend my time with people who reduce my self-esteem. Don’t you believe in my rights?”

The therapist or attorney who says “You’re quitting your job?? Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. What are you going to eat, beans on toast? How are you going to pay my bill? I think you should put your resignation on hold for a while so we can schedule a session to talk further about this.”

“Advising someone to remain in an abusive situation is unethical. Your services are no longer required.”

“Advising me to remain in a hostile work environment, just so I can pay your bill, is a clear conflict of interest, and could jeopardize your license.”

“Don’t defend yourself — you might make him mad.”

“Sounds like you’re suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.”

“A therapist may be able to help you with your disloyalty problem.”

“Wow. All he had to do was abuse his power, and he got your instant respect and empathy! You know, if a display of strength is all it takes to win you over, then you’ll love what I’m about to say: Get the fuck out of my life and don’t ever come back.”

— J. E. Brown

1st edition 02 Sep 2021

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