definition of dating pool

an original definition by J. E. Brown

dating pool
n., euphemism
  1. A nice way of describing other people’s rejects. {Source: “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}
  2. A nice term for other people’s leftovers.
  3. A place full of men and women who don’t give a damn about anyone else’s needs and standards.
  4. People who don’t share your values and don’t give a crap about being what you’re looking for, and who intend to hide that fact from you for as long as possible.
  5. Nature’s Toilet.
{You’re reading “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}
Synonyms:
  • the singles scene

Antonyms:
  • couplehood, married life

Related Concepts: {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/dating_pool.html .}

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

Salt and Evaporation: The Physics of the Dating Pool.

Frankly, there are many people who are just predator animals.
I mean quite simply there are many people who choose to view other people as cattle to be fed on,
as targets for opportunism.

These predators make up most of the dating pool because they get dumped and thrown back into that pool
at higher-than-average rates, kind of like underdeveloped fish being tossed back by a fisherman.

If you can understand how evaporation works, you can understand the dating pool.
Do you know why the ocean is full of salt?
The ocean is a trap for salt. Water evaporates but salt does not. Salt cannot escape the ocean.
Do you know why the dating pool is full of scum?
Same reason:
The dating pool is polluted because good, polite, sensitive, marriageable people are snatched up out of the dating pool and never get returned to it — while cads, jerks, and verbal abusers get thrown right back in.
And that’s why the dating pool, like the sea, contains the refuse of the land.
... Gives new meaning to the term “Love Canal”, doesn’t it? ;^) ...
And just as the ocean concentrates salt,
the dating pool is a device for concentrating the worst of society.
It’s like prison without bars. (Ok, it takes place *in* bars, but I digress ;^) )
Knowing that fact, why would any normal person want to be there? {Source: “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}

As I said at the top, these people view relationships as opportunities for a swindle.

— J. E. Brown

Why Availability Is a Bad Thing.

In supply-and-demand economic situations, the most desirable items usually sell out first:

  • tickets to hot concerts will always be in short supply, and so will …
  • nifty houses and apartments with dishwashers, as well as …
  • beautiful single people.

After those disappear from the market, the moderately acceptable items sell out next:

  • music by cult bands in small venues,
  • housing with long commutes,
  • plain people with a heart of gold.

After that, buyers and daters have to scramble for what’s left:

  • concerts by no-name bands,
  • apartments near the airport and the landfill,
  • dating partners who sleep around and can’t keep a job and describe themselves as “It’s not like I’m abusive all the time!

Which leads me to my point: Availability Equals Undesirability.

You probably thought it was just your bad luck. You probably thought you were meeting undesirable people because you attract them somehow. There’s an old lament: “All of the good ones are taken” — and do you know why that’s true? It’s true because All of the taken ones are good. It will be true in every situation where people are allowed to have freedom of choice. The most coveted items will be snatched up and permanently taken off the market. The remaining items will be politely called “leftovers”.

There’s a reason in this era of hard-to-find medical care why a doctor has a lot of gaps in his schedule: it’s because his patients keep leaving. Or dying. Neither of which is a recommendation! It’s the same for attorneys: Attorneys who do good work and win their cases are in such high demand that they never have time off. Any lawyer with lots of time on his hands might arouse suspicion about his skills. The last question you should ask when choosing a doctor or therapist or lawyer is “Are you taking new patients or clients?” And yet — isn’t that the question we usually ask? It’s so ironic: People choose romantic partners without asking the right interview questions up front — which often leads to NEEDING a doctor, a therapist, and a lawyer.

We should not be surprised that bad doctors have openings in their schedules. Similarly it’s just obvious that bad landlords will generally have more vacancies, and bad bosses will have more job openings. And un-datable people will make up most of the dating pool.

“The dating pool” is just shorthand for “people who aren’t in a relationship”, and frankly, many people who aren’t in a relationship are single for very good reasons. The dating pool teaches us that we should never choose a partner, a husband, a wife, an employer, an employee, a doctor, a dentist, a lawyer, etc., based solely on his or her availability. The question “I found you in the phone book, Are you accepting new employees or patients or clients?” is hardly a question about qualifications!!! Many of these openings/vacancies were created by a departure. Sometimes, the gap in the schedule was created by a previous person/partner/customer who found him or her unacceptable.

If the only question you ask a new partner is “Are you available?”, you’re showing signs of desperation. It’s like saying “I’ll date or hire anyone who has a pulse.” {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/dating_pool.html .}

The dating pool is the way it is because of a few simple laws of physics. The fact that you keep meeting jerks doesn’t mean that you’re the problem. That would be like saying “Gee, every time I swim in the ocean I come out salty. I guess I just attract salt! My bad!” :^(

You are not responsible for the sharks that choose to swim in the dating pool. You are not responsible for the wrongdoing and poor choices of others. When dating, beware of false friends who try to convince you that you somehow purposely attract the wrong kind of people. Tell those disloyal friends that victim blaming is a character flaw and you won’t put up with it. Because just as there’s a pool for rejected lovers, there’s a pool for rejected friends.

— J. E. Brown

Q & A.

  1. Why are all the single people so messed up?
  1. Because all the messed up people tend to become single! Think about it. There’s a reason why the Dating Pool is full of undesirable men and women: because they keep getting thrown back in, like underdeveloped fish. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/dating_pool.html .}

  1. Why is it that only losers and rejects have openings in their schedules?
  1. Perhaps you’re under the impression that it’s a coincidence and that there’s not a connection between those two facts. Once you understand that they’re connected, and undesirableness tends to cause availability, you will cease to be so surprised.

  1. Why is dating so difficult? Why is it so hard to find a good man or woman?
  1. Good partners are hard to find because most people would rather study video games than psychology or ethics.

    It’s a bit like refusing to study mathematics and then expecting to get to the Moon.

    If astronauts tried to fly the way most people practice dating, they’d tell you you can get to the Moon if you just:

    • Believe in yourself more.
    • Give up all desire to get to the Moon — you’ll find yourself magically transported there.
    • Abandon all effort (then the Moon will fall into your lap). You’ll get there when you’re not even trying. Aim your rocket at anything but the Moon — then you’ll get there for sure.
    • Try looking for the Moon in a different place. Because looking for the Moon where it IS is just a perception, and perceptions can be deceiving, obviously....
    • There is no Moon. The Moon is an illusion. Hence, no need to fly there. Problem conveniently solved.

    ... but don’t actually study anything scientific like orbital mechanics or propulsion or (Heaven forbid) LOGIC. {Source: “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}

    Dating is difficult because people have all these cute magical rationalizations for being lazy and not making any effort.

— J. E. Brown

Random Thoughts.

Lack of Success in Dating: It’s not just your bad luck, it’s no accident, it’s no illusion, and above all, it’s not a reflection on you. The fact that you can’t make it work is not a reflection on you and your dating skills. The Dating Pool is simply a nice name for the place where unmarriageable people go after being dumped.
… If the dating pool were called what it is, “Relationship Hell”, more people would figure that out.


There are two kinds of men: Those who do whatever their hormones tell them to do; and those who are LTR material. The first kind of man will cheat on you whenever the opportunity arises; the other kind will be a stable partner for you because he has normal hormone levels and/or the emotional intelligence to delay gratification. Unfortunately, those men in the first group are precisely the ones who will chase after you the hardest and most persistently; this creates the optical illusion that such men make up most of the dating pool. You’ll get good at figuring out which men are in which group: and quite simply, most men who pursue you are in the first group. Men in the other group don’t pursue you because they don’t have the confidence which raging hormones would give them. They worry about the possibility that maybe you won’t like them. … Men in the first group expect to turn you into their prey; men in the second group expect or wait to be pursued.

… And that’s how a few cheaters are responsible for most of the interactions in the dating pool. That’s how a small proportion of cheaters are able to create the false impression that most of the people in the dating pool are cheaters. …
Most of the people you will meet in the dating pool are anti-monogamy.


Everything I’ve just said about the dating pool is a fancy way of saying this: Most people are not relationship material. The few who are have the necessary skills for long-term relationships. They get into permanent relationships at a young age and never have to think about the dating pool again. The rest of us are sent to hell, a hell that no one warned us about. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/dating_pool.html .}


Many single people believe in these neurotic double standards:

  • Other people must continue to love me, even if I make myself unlovable.
  • The relationship must be magical for ME. It’s not my responsibility to create that magic for my partner. I may *claim* that I believe in a two-way street, but I don’t.

This (Google Image Search) is the whooping crane. At one time there were just 23 of these birds left on the planet, because hunters shot them for having pretty feathers. And just as the pretty, tasty things have been hunted and harvested to extinction in the wild, the attractive and desirable people are hunted out of circulation in the dating pool. {Source: “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}


Common features of the Dating Pool:

  • Disrespect for the boundaries of others
  • Inability to express enthusiasm

Availability = Undesirability: Most available men are not marriage material. Follow me here: They’re available because they’re not marriage material.
“Available” and “desirable” are often opposites.
Unmarriageable people will always be available for relationships.


Definition of “Dating Pool”: Those in the dating pool are those who are available for bonding.
Unfortunately, the fastest way to become available is by being kicked out of a previous relationship.

Not only are all the good ones taken, but they never get thrown back for being defective. This leads to the conclusion: Availability equals undesirability.


In the Dating Pool, there is zero respect for boundaries.

— J. E. Brown

Lies You Will Hear While Dating.

You should know that most people in the dating pool will never be honest about these practices:

  • unsafe sex
  • smoking
  • drugs, of course
  • sleeping around / nonmonogamy

Denial is an extremely strong force. Many people who sleep around aren’t even consciously aware that they do it.
Expect to hear evasions like:

  • “I’m hoping to have a relationship someday, but I’m not in any insane hurry, and I’m going to have fun in the meantime.”
  • “I only do it once in a while. I only do it when I’m stressed.”
  • “Some magazine said that you can’t get STDs from oral sex.”

They have a habit of neglecting to say things like

  • “Oh, by the way, I have a history of screwing first and getting to know someone later.”
  • “Also, I’ve never been faithful, and I’ll dump you after precisely three weeks because my hormonal cycles are the master of my life.”
  • “In other words, I’m a total flake.”

They have a habit of leaving out important details like:

  • “I smoke, I’m dumb as a post, and I can’t hold down a job.”
  • “I don’t really do safe sex. I won’t actually admit this — I’ll just whine and complain that latex feels funny or tastes funny. That’s when you’ll know that I probably have a virus.”
  • “Everything is about me. Consequently, I won’t actually try to satisfy you in bed. I got mine, you get yours.” [more: see bad in bed.]

The New Nonmonogamy.

When I was young, nonmonogamists were much more closeted about their intentions. Many were in denial. But as of 2016, today’s nonmonogamist is in your face, even militant, and not afraid to break down your boundaries by expressing contempt for your needs. (Related: See Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).)

There is no such thing as an “ethical slut”. Nonmonogamy is a PLAN and an INTENTION to whore around without considering anyone else’s needs, goals, and feelings. And contrary to what polyamorists are always saying in web forums, not one of the nonmonogamists I ever dated was up front about the fact that their values differed from mine. From that experience, I learned that nonmonogamy is not some ethical alternative, worthy of my respect, but a calculated plan to use fraud and deception to get sex. In this regard, nonmonogamists can be seen to be no better than rental applicants who “forget” to mention that they don’t meet the requirements for a room, no better than job applicants who lie on their résumés to get a position.

It’s sad to think that most people who claim to be monogamous, non-abusive, drug-and-disease-free, non-smoking, non-unilateral, non-self-centered, etc., etc., aren’t, but are just using those position statements as a cynical ploy to get more sex.
And next, they want us ethical people to feel like we’re the ones who are abnormal.

If nonmonogamists really felt their preference were a legitimate lifestyle choice, they’d reveal it up front. They’d negotiate for it. But they don’t. Because anti-monogamy is all about tricking innocent people into having sex with them and accidentally bonding with them. {Source: “Definition of dating pool” by J. E. Brown.}

PS. This just in: According to this BuzzFeed poll, 90% of their readers insist on monogamy. So here’s proof that the Dating Pool is not representative of the standards of the real world. Suck that, nonmonogamists.

— J. E. Brown

Dating, Renting, Hiring, and Boundaries.

If you’ve ever posted a personal ad, a housing ad, or a job ad, you know all about the bad apples and the bad applicants. You know what it’s like to be pestered and harassed by unsuitable suitors.

No Means No. No means what it means, for the same reason “You do not meet the requirements” means what it means. And yet it’s amazing that so many trolls, leches and losers think you weren’t talking about them when you wrote the requirements. {You’re reading “Definition of Dating Pool” by J. E. Brown.}

I learned this when I was renting out a room in my house… [more: see the definition of no.]

— J. E. Brown

My review of the book Data: A Love Story by Amy Webb:

Ms. Webb is correct: For many of us, the purpose of dating is to get OUT of dating, by finding something more permanent. But many people in the dating pool have other plans. The Dating Pool is their chosen long-term lifestyle. People who are stuck in the dating pool aren’t there because they know what works! And so, studying the other swimmers to find out how they stay afloat or to find out what works for them is beyond ironic. The right people to study are the ones who got out!

The author seems blissfully, endearingly unaware of the forces keeping the dating pool alive:

  • the steady influx of naïve newbies who think the marketplace contains nothing but sincere, eligible merchandise/suitors/candidates,
  • the sharks and stingrays and other marine predators who have no intention of ever getting out of the water, and
  • dating websites afraid to play lifeguard by keeping the two groups safely separate.

— J. E. Brown


1st edition 09 Feb 2016


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